I was chatting with Judi the other day on Facebook. She was asking how we were doing and all that. Some days are really good, some days are just normal life, and some days are tougher than others. You might not think it is possible, but often I am just BORED. Bored you ask? With seven kids, a house to take care of, home schooling…life. How can you be bored?!
Well, sure there are plenty of things that I COULD be doing and do do. But it is this mental boredness I guess. Before we even thought about mission work, we just had life. It was what we knew, what we were, it was what it was. Then we started the adoption process back in 2004. And that consumed a lot of thought processes and working through things, and just wondering how and what the new life was going to be like. And then J came and that took up a lot of time, figuring out a new type of normal.
Then in 2007 we began looking into missions and went full steam ahead. We trained, raised support, and had this BIG THING out there that we were working towards. Then we of course got there and were figuring out how to live this next big thing called life in another country.
And now, now we are here. Just here. We keep going with school and now Brian is doing work and we are getting back into a groove. But it’s still just DIFFERENT. It doesn’t feel like there is anything to look forward to, to be working towards. Truthfully, it still feels so unsettled, and I don’t know when or if it will every change. It’s like we aren’t totally content just being “here”. Like there is a part that just doesn’t believe that this here is where “here” is going to be from now on.
For the past how many years now, our minds have always been on the same track, the next “big thing”. But now there is no “big thing” that we can see. So what do you do with your mind in the down time of life when nothing is pressing? Unfortunately, it seems we think about things we can’t do anything about anyway. We think about things we would have done differently, we think about conversations that should have been had (or not had), we think about current things and ask questions as to their usefulness or validity or if they will do any good or do what someone thinks they will, we think about what other people are thinking about, we just…think. And some of it is good, some of it is needed processing. And much of it is really not good, attacks from the enemy who wants to keep us right where we are. There is a feeling of just being p.o. at God, but then HE is continually providing for us and taking care of us, so how can you really be mad at him??
Anyway, I didn’t explain that much to Judi in the chat, but she just said, “Yes I understand. It's almost like a winter of the soul. I think once you've stepped out in faith and done bigger things than the normal person it's difficult to settle for less. This is some sort of time of testing and transformation for you all. Keep your eyes on Jesus.”
So we keep trying to keep both eyes on Jesus. Just wish there was some magic formula to do it. It’s easy to say why don’t you just read your bible? Or pray, or sing, or… But there isn’t a switch for your mind that you can just shut off. Man, I wish there was.