“THE PROCESS IS THE END. FOR IT IS THE PROCESS THAT IS GLORIFYING TO GOD.” --Oswald Chambers

"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Friday, August 31, 2007

MY STORY TOO

Since Brian shared his story, I figured I’d better share mine too. I grew up in a church-going family, went to bible camp each summer, church when we had to…Nothing too exciting. One summer at camp I asked Jesus into my heart. I remember crying a lot, but that’s about it. I told the gals in my cabin who were of course excited for me.
I lived two different lives throughout high school and part of bible school too. I had the “I’m a Christian” summers and retreats, but mostly I lived the very carnal life of sin. I allowed myself to fall into alcohol and some of the weaknesses that come with that. I was a good actress when I needed to be.
But I always wanted MORE. I thought, I knew, there was suppose to be more to my Christian walk, but I had no one to disciple me in it. I was, and unfortunately still am, very selfish. I want things to go my way-this has developed into perfectionism, which I still struggle with to this day. With no one to walk with me and the reputation I was developing, I needed a lot of encouragement to my self-esteem, and I was finding it in the wrong places with the wrong people. I don’t want to elaborate on my past, I am ever so thankful that Christ died to take that away, that God will cast it as far as the east is from the west!
Brian and I met at bible school, we were quite a pair! My actress skills mostly worked there, I was considered one of the good kids. We fell into sin. There is no place where satan can’t find you, attack you. I knew there was MORE then too, I just didn’t know how to obtain it.
I don’t have a big change moment. Life has just gradually brought times, people, and circumstances into my life where I have had to deal with sin. Some I still struggle with, having to make a daily choice to walk in the way of the Lord, to let His life be manifest in me. I got involved in MOPS, found some good friends, finally got in an environment where I could learn to be the wife, woman, mother, servant God wanted me to be. It was an opportunity where I could use the gifts God had given me and find the affirmation that I desperately needed.
Sad to say it, but I was still pretty selfish and near oblivious to what was going on with Brian, at least to what degree it was affecting him. Yes there was a stormy time in our marriage, but I don’t remember thinking it was much more than a bad patch we had to work through.
One huge area that I have had to work through/on is letting Brian be the head of our household. I am somewhat of a controller, to put it mildly! I don’t like not knowing what’s going on and being involved in the going-ons. I have prayed about this a lot, I have read a lot, but mostly I have just had to do it. And God has richly blessed us because of it. I am learning to completely trust in his leadership for our family, and by doing that, am learning to trust more and more in God.
One of my spiritual gifts is the gift of faith. I have always know if God says He’ll do it, He WILL do it. And I know He will do it in His time, in His way. That doesn’t mean I don’t try it my way sometimes though! God has tested me (us) on this many times. Our adoption with Joseph, the struggles with him here, and now going into the mission field. It wasn’t too long ago that I remember feeling I needed, no I WANTED, to have to trust God more. There was that feeling of wanting and knowing there was supposed to be more again! It wasn’t but a few weeks later, and missions was on our radar! Should the lesson be, be careful what you pray for?! No way! Where else could I, would I want to be?

2 comments:

Helen said...

KJ, whatever you say, but in my book, you're one of the most selfless people I know. I know you would argue that it doesn't come natural, but it's the fact of life anyway. So proud to be your friend!
Love, Helen

The Kuehl's said...

Wow Kelly Jo~THANK-YOU! I too have struggled with and continue to struggle with letting Kameron be the head of the household and spiritual leader of our family...it wasn't too long ago (B.C.) when he wasn't those things and so I had to take control. Letting go of that control is the tough part. A good read on that subject(and many other's as a woman of Christ): "A Woman After God's Own Heart" By: Elizabeth George. Sisters in Christ~Teresa