As Kelly has been rereading our journal, I have not. I have been avoiding it. Why? Because I have been questioning myself.
Maybe I was/am not cut out to be a "missionary" or to be in "ministry." I didn't make it in Zambia. I ask myself why?
The main reason is that I cared too much. How is that possible? I cared about every aspect of the project. Mainly because I was asked (by various people at various times) to be involved in every aspect of the project (banking, student selection, national pastor issues, agriculture, construction, hosting teams...). My personality is such that when I invest myself in something it is because I care about it, and I feel I am putting my name with/on it (that I am proud to be involved and approve all aspects of it). It comes from my background, being my own boss. In many areas that is seen as an asset but with this project it was not.
I am convinced that we would still be there if I (we) would have sat back and said, "Not my business" or "not my problem/project." If I could have just let things go even though I knew it was wrong, unethical, culturally irresponsible, wasteful (of others' money), or just illogical (Kel won't let me put the word I want in there, but it starts with stu-), we'd still be there.
Problem is, that's not me. I won't compromise my integrity or testimony for someone else. Now due to my experience with our former agency I really wonder whether I will ever want to be involved in any type of "ministry" ever again.