wrestling with God

I would STRONGLY encourage you to be sure you read these posts in order!! If you have not checked the blog for awhile, be sure you scroll down to see what you missed, or it may not make sense!! I wrote this post on 6-14-06, the day after Brian was up on Mt. Kazemba. It was my reaction to his day and notes of the conversation and will be some repeat now of what Brian posted a few days ago. Since it is now 2 weeks later, I have added some other notes in italics.
6-14-07
I was able to talk with Brian today for another half hour. This is the full version of the conversation-we’ll see what makes it on the blog as quite a bit of it would not be appropriate for me to share, that’s something Brian will have to do.
I will say that God is amazing, again! Monday I felt lead to type my last post on decisions. That morning I had a dream where I saw Brian just kind of saying, “I just don’t know yet, there are some things…”. That is all I remember, it was right before I woke up. So on my walk I prayed about that-what does it mean? Anything? Is it prophetic? Does it mean no? Before he left, we both felt certain that we would know for sure what we were going to be doing when he got back. So was my dream a glimpse into the future? Was his not knowing the sign we were looking for? Half a world away, Brian was wrestling with his decision. He felt the last few days were really tough (Mon-Tues). He felt overly critical of everything, discouraged, not happy, he just felt he needed to get away. So today he did. He hiked up Mt. Kazemba and spent the day praying and fasting, seeking confirmation from God.
He wanted answers. He wanted to know why he felt so unsettled. He has been writing lots of pages in his journal. It will be very interesting to see the things he has been wrestling with God about the last two weeks. So he is up on the Mt. asking God why he was struggling so much with the decision, why he was struggling to say yes. God seemed to being asking Brian, “Every door I have opened for you, you have walked through. Why are you standing in the doorway here?” God told him it was because Brian wasn’t sure if I wanted it. (It’s awesome when God asks and answers too!) It is not going to be easy, but it will be fulfilling. But Brian didn’t like the thought of seeing me struggle (ever the chivalrous man that he is!) as we are over there. I think part of that was because he remembers how we have struggled with Joseph. God told him that you only grow through trials, so who does he think he is to not to allow his wife to grow? (Which as I thought about this later, I thought, oh boy! So there will be plenty of trials!)
Brian said this amazing clarity came to him. While praying weeks ago, a friend had this thought impressed on him about Brian: “I sense God is going to give or bestow on Brian an uncommon clarity and vision for what needs to be done.” Isn’t that amazing? Almost identical words.
So half a world away, unknown to Brian I am writing my “manifesto” to following where he will leads us. Brian is wrestling with his decision because of me. Then two days later, BOOM-God lays it out for him. And tomorrow, Brian will read a note from a friend, where he specifically talks about his wife and some things that I think relate very clearly.
So I asked, “Does that mean we are going?”
“Yes. Can you handle that?”
“Does it matter?”
“To me, yes.”
“Why?”
“I need to know you are with me.”
“Have I ever not been?”
“No.”
“So there you go.”
“Sometimes I need to hear it. This is scary.”
“I WILL GO WHERE YOU GO.”
Lest you think oddly of me, that’s just the way we talk to each other sometimes. I, the pragmatist (my new word-see below!), see things matter-of-factly. Brian knows I am with him, I shouldn’t need to say it I often feel. Brian though, needs the verbal affirmation-something I still need to work on.
It seems some of the African people need to read my last blog entry too! They think Brian will come back and say we are moving to Africa, and I will say no, and he will say ok. You can tell they don’t know Brian or me! I told him Zack better fire up that computer and show them the post I wrote (before I knew all this!)
Brian wanted to know how I felt about all this. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s been a somewhat foregone conclusion for me for a while that we are going. So we’re going, officially now. I have a new word to describe myself that a friend gave me: pragmatic. I of course didn’t know what it meant! Webster says; 1) based on utility or effect; practical 2) matter-of-fact. Well, there you go-that’s me. We are matter-of-factly going; so let’s now get in the business of going.
So what is our time line for leaving? No idea. We will need to raise our monthly support, and also some moving/one-time expenses. Talking to someone today, I mentioned needing to raise maybe $3-4,000/month, which doesn’t seem like a lot to me (naïve maybe). Then I thought, our Sunday school class has 90 families in its directory. If each of those families gave $40 a month, we’d be done!
We found out the paperwork is not done to make Gospelink duty-free in Zambia, so it might be a little more expensive than we thought to ship a container over there. There is a container sitting in Georgia full of farm equipment that they weren’t able to ship because the shipping money had to go to pay duty on the last container they got over there. So Gospelink needs to raise funds to get that sent (www.Gospelink.org to donate to that-specify money is for Zambia project, sea container). But we will trust God to provide, as we have trusted in so many other things. It sounds like Zack is going to design the house for us, and he is even going to try to get a washing machine for me! They figure they could have the house built in two months.
Brian hasn’t looked over the land too much yet. I guess Lewis was looking for Brian today to do that, but Brian was on the Mt., so tomorrow they will probably get to it.
He said things were pretty dry there right now; some of the trees were still a little green though. I guess someone may be working on a huge cistern so they can have a gravity flow irrigation system. But Zambia is running out of cement. And of course there is just the every present money issue.
Lewis wanted to be sure Brian knew that he too was sticking his head out on this project, and that he would NOT be alone. With God, we are never alone. With our many friends and family upholding us in prayer, we won’t feel alone either.
Now to tell mom and dad.
(NOTE: many of you read my DECISIONS, DECISIONS post. Let me clarify something: to be honest, my selfish, fleshy, COMFORTABLE me would say no, I don’t want to go-I don’t want to leave family and friends for a “harder” physical life. But I would not be happy. I would know I was out of God’s will, I would know I was not following what He wants for my (our) lives. I will HAPPILY go though, knowing I am being obedient.)