“Uh-oh. Brian is writing again” read Kelly’s facebook status the other day. I guess I am. I just wish it wasn’t in the middle of the night when I am supposed to be sleeping! It’s good, at least she thinks so. I am starting to feel a little fire in the soul again (did Someone just breath?). Lots of different posts coming up-some will be completely new as I process and get ready to go to Zambia for a short trip (and some closure perhaps?), some were written over the past year and now edited, some we’ve written together. I am not going to tell you which is which :) ‘cuz it doesn’t really matter anyway. Some will make no sense to you at all; some may shock you; some will resonate in a way that you can’t explain. Just bear with the ramblings of a wounded, weary soul trying to reconcile things, longings, questions… I am just one who is trying to reconcile where I have been with where I am now and questioning what things look like…can you handle my questions and where I am? What I say? (Although, as far as I know I am on no one’s required reading list…haha). Yes, I am asking myself too, can I handle where you are at? God created us, God LOVES us, and we are working out our faith in our own time and own processes, and I guess, some more publically than others. No, I usually don’t think about if what I am going to say will offend you or anyone else. I am NOT a writer; so when I get up in the middle of the night with the same thing going through my head over and over again, and I can sit down and a post just comes up, I know it isn’t so much me. If I have to sit and struggle to come up with anything, I usually don’t; I won’t try that hard. I talked about it once here. Sometimes I just feel as if I am supposed to say something, regardless of the outcome.
About a year after coming back from Zambia, I had a talk with a guy who just said “thanks a lot”. No idea what I did-or which one thing he was referring to anyway! But he specifically brought up this Watchman post. He knew he was supposed to be doing that in his church, and he wasn’t. Because of that post, he finally decided to do it. And guess what? It cost him; cost him a lot-a church family and a job to start with. As painful as that was though, he KNEW that was what he was suppose to do/speak out-he knew he was the watchman, and if he didn’t say what he was suppose to, it was “on me.” I haven’t talked to him lately, but I have complete trust that God is taking care of him and his family right now.
Painful, hard, pointed…whatever words you want to use. Sometimes you just need to say what you need to say and let God take care of the rest.