"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Leaving for Zambia

There are so many emotions going on in me right now, it is hard to think clearly. There is fear, apprehension, excitement, joy, sorrow, pain …. Why, because the day that I left….well those scars have not healed completely. It does not take much to make them bleed. I believe God orchestrated this trip (it was not something I asked for) for me so that I may heal. The memories this trip has brought back, most good but some….well if they are in my dreams I don’t go back to sleep. This trip has opened a door that I shut and thought I locked (dead and buried) but I have realized, God has a different plan. One in which I deal with all my repressed emotions so I am able to completely move on and be used by HIM again.
You may be wondering how this trip come about if I was not looking for it. Only one way….GOD
I was contacted by someone I did not know(really). A missionary in Zambia, which I think that we have had a few text and emails with, but that was about it. He contacted me out of the blue and wanted to know why we left and what our thoughts where about coming back. I told him why we left and thought we would never go back and that spiritually I was not in a good place (I was in burnout). I didn’t hear anything from him for some time (I should say that this was not the only person that contacted us, there have been several. Some that where very persistent, until I told them it was not going to happen. Some didn’t seem to care how I was or anything they just wanted someone NOW. So could I have gone back? Yes. I chose not to. Why? Because when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t know who I was looking at and I am still not completely sure, but it is getting clearer). Then out of the blue this guy emails me again. He wants me to come on a trip and see what they are doing because they are looking to grow and expand the mission. Why me? Because what I wanted to do before over there (agriculture, specifically Farming God’s Way) is what they want to do in their ministry. He knew I understood the culture since I lived there and I would have a good handle on what might work. I still was not sure but Kel felt like I needed to do this (for me). You see when I got on that plane the last time, I believed (even told myself) that I will never see this land again. And I loved Zambia. The way we left tore my heart to pieces and I thought it would never completely heal, but nothing is impossible for GOD. I am learning, what man destroys GOD can make new. But it takes time (I’m talking about my heart).

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