"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

holding back ones heart

Kelly recently brought home one of her women’s bible studies from church for me to watch. I must say it was very good. It was on David, “Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed”. There were many parts that just seemed to speak directly to where I am right now.
One of the areas is “being offended with God,” meaning being hurt by God. And after being hurt, you are now standing there in front of God but you are holding your heart behind you because you are afraid to give it back to Him after being hurt. That has been/is me. I have been holding back my heart from God. When I gave my heart over to Him before, I gave it completely, without question and maybe rather naively. With the faith of a child some might say. And I feel like I got burned. I feel that I have been running away from God for a while now and gone so far away from Him. But He has reminded me that I am not nearly as far away as I think I am; in fact He is right around the corner waiting for me. It is comforting and worrisome at the same time. God has not written me off and there have been times I wish He would, but HE won’t. Part of me wants to give back my heart but I don’t like to do anything half way-it is an all or nothing kind of thing with me. But this time around I am not naive about what it could mean and it causes me to stop and question.
I used to so love to pray, to go to the prayer meetings and just sit and fellowship with my Father. I look in the mirror and ask “what happened to that guy?” the one who used to be so passionate. Where did he go? Is he even in there anymore? I think he is but he is hiding, afraid to put himself out there again. So I look for ways to avoid/escape God. In so many ways I feel I have reverted way-way back, but this is worse because I have seen the other side and I miss it. I know I have a loving Father and everything He does He does for His reasons and glory. Maybe if I knew the whys I could begin to understand but I am not sure that would make it any easier to do what I need to do.

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