So here is what I think about reading our journal so far-at this point on page 55 of 184 in the computer:
-it’s good. I see where we were and want and desire to be back there. But bad as I am discouraged that I am no longer there.
-it’s good we weren’t so cynical then-saw the good in people. Believed a lot though, that maybe we shouldn’t have. So not sure if this is the time, as I battle with taking away the good that was there. For example, we learned (the HARD way) that a lot of people, especially our nationals, will say or do whatever it is they think you want them to. Problem is they do this for most Westerners or others in authority. So they will say one thing to you, then another to someone else, depending on what they can get out of it. So as I read I see how we wrote that this person or this group were so excited for us to be there, for us to share with them, etc. etc. And then I want to take from that. I want to say-they were just saying that. They didn’t really mean it. Truth is, I don’t know if they did. And maybe it’s best if I just believe that they did.
How do I keep clinging to the truths I know (or only feel?) about where we are and how things played out? I look back and read and we were so sure then…but it sometimes feels we were so wrong. How then can we be so sure now? What if we are wrong now? What if we have told ourselves what we need to hear to make ourselves feel better? How do we know what God is saying anymore?