"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Thursday, May 13, 2010

“I don’t want to think about it anymore. What good does it do?”
Does it do any good think about our time in Africa anymore? What should we be thinking through?
How long until some things stop effecting me? The other day Kel received an email from the couple that bought our stuff (container, household, and vehicle). They wrote to say that they made it over there and got out to the school and got the truck out of the container. That is all it took, Kel telling me about the truck. It triggered a whole host of emotions (anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, remorse) all because I heard about my truck. Not my truck, their truck. Just like everything else that we brought over there, it all belongs to someone else now. It is a stupid truck… and I really, really liked it. Just like my house that I designed and built myself (with the help of some very special people). It is just cement, plaster, wood, and tin but it was my home, MY home. And some (bleep-bleep-bleep) took it all away. Or at least that is what I would like to think. But the truth is he didn’t. It doesn’t change his character, but he doesn’t have that much power. God is the one in control. He called us there and He called us out. My dilemma is: if I am going to be angry at someone, it would need to be HIM and no one else. But I don’t want to be angry with Him. All He has done is take care of every need we have had. He has and continues to bless us beyond measure for our obedience. I have been struggling with depression for the last month and the other day it struck me that this is the first time in the last 3 yrs that I am not preparing to go or all ready there, in Zambia. I am here with no intention of ever going back.
I am so thankful for the work the Lord has provided. It is something I really enjoy. Working out in the fields on the farm or taking care of people’s homes. I enjoy growing stuff. I think it is because it is something I can see, it is tangible, and it is life (when I have often felt dead). I like the fact that many of these people whose grounds I take care of have given me the freedom to do whatever needs to be done to make it look good. I do whatever needs to be done so they do not have to worry about it and all they have to do is enjoy it. It gives me the physical labor I need to work out my frustrations at times and when I’m done I can look at it and feel good about it and myself. I also enjoy the challenge of starting a business again and building it. It helps to work alone. I can think and talk to God and even vent to Him about what is going on in my head and heart. I just pray that some day in the near future I can start to feel like myself again.

It feels somewhat like we passed another small little test. Maybe went from K to 1st grade? If you’ve ever listened to Otto Keaning, 1st grade is as tough as high school though-so we’ve still got a lot to learn!
We (Bri) had made a hard decision about some things-and he was semi-excited about it I guess. It definitely wasn’t my first choice, and I let him know in some ways not so nicer than others. It was a little bit of plan forward, what looked like the next logical thing to do. Reluctantly and really only half-heartedly I really began to accept it. As soon as I did, I did begin to get just a little excited about it. Definitely not cheerleader stage-have had too many ups and downs for that.
Things then began to change in other ways too. I will say that this next step/plan had a lot of” if-thens” attached to it. And the plan is still there, maybe just on hold for now? We don’t know. Shortly after this though, Brian was given a nice sized raise at the development he takes care of. He also landed a private residence there, and may have one or two more in the works. This along with helping his dad on the farm has been more than enough to keep him busy each week. While it will vary some each week, he can easily get more than enough time in to pay the bills for a little while. So we still have a back-up idea anyway, but we aren’t going down that path yet. We also had some other good news pop up (more on that later).
How does that look like passing a test? Well, sometimes, maybe even often times, I think God just wants to know if we are willing. Willing to do something we really don’t want to. Something (or someone?) we don’t want to obey or follow. We firmly believe that because we both became willing to do something, God was pleased; He was glorified; and so rewarded us with a few good things.
Of course, now having written that, I had a pretty low two weeks-on the cusp of super miserable. Then about the time I start getting pulled out of it-hit a “breakthrough”, then Brian hits a low and it feels like I could easily spiral back down. Life is a roller coaster that I’d be happy to get off for awhile!

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