An email from two years ago (on Facebook) showed up the other day. Very weird. I then went to look at it online, but it said it wasn’t available. Hmm…what’s that about? It was an email telling us to enjoy our new time in Zambia and keep writing about it as it will be a “joy” to read through later. Yeah-not so much right now! Anyway, I got to thinking-where (and why) in the world did that just show up? Not a coincidence I am sure. So, I have decided to go back and read our journal-from the very beginning, almost 3 years ago now.
It’s a little tough to do. This time of year is proving tough anyway. For the last three years we have either been planning for Brian to go, or all of us to go to Zambia…and now here we are, and not planning to go anywhere.
Anyway, one thing that really saddens me as I read is seeing the passion we had-for what we were going to do, for God, for…everything. We felt on fire for the Lord and it spilled into all our thoughts and conversations and we were learning and sharing and excited with what we learned and just eating it up. And now, well, now. Nothing much excites me-most things actually annoy me. If someone wants to make a big deal out of anything-I say, fine-let’em; but I am not going to be involved. I just don’t have the time or energy to argue about much anymore. Why would I want to?
We’ve been told (by many former and current missionaries and missionary care workers) it will really take YEARS for us to “get over” what happened to us in Africa. Wow. Thanks. Really not looking forward to that.
As I keep reading, I wonder if I should. Wow-we were definitely the idealistic ones, weren’t we! I don’t know how many of you that started the journey with us are still on it. But wow-we had ideas, we had plans… We were so wrong on so many levels. Many things we were just ignorant of-the way things really worked. Many things we were mislead on-often because of others’ ignorance. Many things we just chose not to believe-because the truth was easier to ignore. Many of the things we said we were going to do, or should do-yeah, that never happened either. So I am still reading, still deciding if this is such a good idea or not.
Man, have we (I) become cynical.
It’s like there is this huge battle saying-man were you wrong! You were so sure this is where God called you and all those confirmations along the way-they didn’t mean anything, they weren’t confirmations. For a second there was the worst one-who needs this God anyway? You were wrong about this…you’re probably wrong about it all. Thankfully that was one thought captured and thrown out right away. But really, I can now see how easy it is for people to fall away from God when they are hurt deeply, especially by others in “ministry”. Never thought about it, understood it. Maybe I see it a bit? Maybe I am still learning things?
Anyway, I read and battle with: if everything worked out so right to get us there, what went so wrong? Do I deduce that we just screwed it all up? That now God has the unenviable job of redeeming our mess? Or do I look and say we got there because God wanted us there, to do what God wanted us to do, and it was just way different than what we ever would have thought?
I am not reading with great joy. I am reading and battling. I am thankful for my gift of faith more and more.