"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

An email from two years ago (on Facebook) showed up the other day. Very weird. I then went to look at it online, but it said it wasn’t available. Hmm…what’s that about? It was an email telling us to enjoy our new time in Zambia and keep writing about it as it will be a “joy” to read through later. Yeah-not so much right now! Anyway, I got to thinking-where (and why) in the world did that just show up? Not a coincidence I am sure. So, I have decided to go back and read our journal-from the very beginning, almost 3 years ago now.
It’s a little tough to do. This time of year is proving tough anyway. For the last three years we have either been planning for Brian to go, or all of us to go to Zambia…and now here we are, and not planning to go anywhere.
Anyway, one thing that really saddens me as I read is seeing the passion we had-for what we were going to do, for God, for…everything. We felt on fire for the Lord and it spilled into all our thoughts and conversations and we were learning and sharing and excited with what we learned and just eating it up. And now, well, now. Nothing much excites me-most things actually annoy me. If someone wants to make a big deal out of anything-I say, fine-let’em; but I am not going to be involved. I just don’t have the time or energy to argue about much anymore. Why would I want to?
We’ve been told (by many former and current missionaries and missionary care workers) it will really take YEARS for us to “get over” what happened to us in Africa. Wow. Thanks. Really not looking forward to that.
As I keep reading, I wonder if I should. Wow-we were definitely the idealistic ones, weren’t we! I don’t know how many of you that started the journey with us are still on it. But wow-we had ideas, we had plans… We were so wrong on so many levels. Many things we were just ignorant of-the way things really worked. Many things we were mislead on-often because of others’ ignorance. Many things we just chose not to believe-because the truth was easier to ignore. Many of the things we said we were going to do, or should do-yeah, that never happened either. So I am still reading, still deciding if this is such a good idea or not.
Man, have we (I) become cynical.
It’s like there is this huge battle saying-man were you wrong! You were so sure this is where God called you and all those confirmations along the way-they didn’t mean anything, they weren’t confirmations. For a second there was the worst one-who needs this God anyway? You were wrong about this…you’re probably wrong about it all. Thankfully that was one thought captured and thrown out right away. But really, I can now see how easy it is for people to fall away from God when they are hurt deeply, especially by others in “ministry”. Never thought about it, understood it. Maybe I see it a bit? Maybe I am still learning things?
Anyway, I read and battle with: if everything worked out so right to get us there, what went so wrong? Do I deduce that we just screwed it all up? That now God has the unenviable job of redeeming our mess? Or do I look and say we got there because God wanted us there, to do what God wanted us to do, and it was just way different than what we ever would have thought?
I am not reading with great joy. I am reading and battling. I am thankful for my gift of faith more and more.


Christine said...

In my opinion, you were on the right path. You made the right decisions. You heard from God and you followed what He wanted for your family. You were there for the time that you were supposed to be there and now you are back. Changed people for sure. Every single one of you. YOu future lives paths will be different because of it and maybe that is exactly what God wanted for you. It may be many years before you can look back and say, "I get it, I see why He put us through that!" Keep trusting Him and that fire will be there again, for something else.

AJ said...

Kelly...your comments are so honest...and familiar. After leaving El Salvador after 10 years (even on good terms) has affected our being back in the states. So leaving with the difficult feelings you have is even harder. I'm here if you want to talk..or cry. Also, a book I read when I was hurt by someone in "ministry" is Tale of Three Kings...an absolute must to read. So sorry you're hurting...ask God to show you where you can grow and ask God to show you that this was in all in His plan...your fire for Him is so evident even now...you're passing through a fire or desert (whichever author you read) and He is carrying you through it, too. Carry on...your old counselor from PRBC...Alyson