"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

For most of us, being pregnant is one of the most wonderful things in the world! I LOVE being pregnant, feeling the little life in me. Then the joy of nursing the child and snuggling and marveling at the gift we’ve been given.

One of the worst times to be pregnant though, is after a miscarriage. There is just so. much. fear. Every stomach twinge, anything that feels like bodily fluid leaking out (sorry), every pain. What is it? What does it mean? Is it gas, is it nerves, am I having another miscarriage? How many times a day can you go to the bathroom to check things out?
The fear can be consuming. On one hand you just want to know something definite, so a miscarriage would almost feel a relief-to stop the worrying. Because there is no definite that everything will be okay. You of course don’t ultimately want that, but on that other hand you don’t want to trust that all is well, because you think that as soon as you believe everything will be okay, then it will happen and you don’t know if you can handle it. Better to keep your nerves of steel up.
I’ve had three miscarriages. The first due to an illness I had, the second and third unknown causes. There is a desire to know why? Just so that you know what to look for, what kind of markers to get yourself past. But there is no knowing. I don’t doubt I can get pregnant-but how do I make sure I can stay pregnant this time? What did I do different last time? Does anything feel different? Questions, questions, that I can’t answer.

After the first two miscarriages, I went on to deliver two more beautiful boys. I am praying that will happen again this time (although a girl would be fine too!).

That was written a week or so after I found out I was pregnant. About a week or so later I really had a hard day. I asked a few people to pray about it. It was very hard to choose to trust that things were going to be okay. But I am glad I did (or at least trusted a little more). There are still questioning days though. I went from worrying all the time to realizing I hadn’t even thought about the baby for awhile so was I still pregnant? Do I look pregnant yet? Am I gaining weight, is it starting to show at all? The mind (and the devil!) will play tricks on you.

And now 14 weeks into it, I feel a little relief. Neither of us has really been able to get excited about this pregnancy yet. I think with everything else over the last few years and the last miscarriage...we just don’t want to get excited-about anything really. We hadn’t even told the kids yet. They were so hurt and sad last time, we didn’t want to see that again. I made Brian go with me to my check up so he would be there, just in case…I was so anxious about it. Now that we’ve heard the heartbeat, hit the mark past the last miscarriage…will we be able to enjoy it now? I really hope so. As always, we’d really appreciate your prayers!

And to all our friends and family-yup, this really is how we are telling everybody this time around-gotta love social media! It’s just easier this way-the word gets around faster, we don’t have to worry about missing someone, no awkward moments when/if you aren’t sure what to say-and we don’t have to be asked if we are Catholic or if we know how these things happen…


Leroy and Kari Huizenga said...


It's a testimony to being open to life and we are so happy for you!

Love you guys,
Leroy, Kari, Hans, and Miriam

Molly said...

I am so happy for you guys! I think you make great babies and I am thrilled each and every time I hear you are having a baby! Congrats!

Anonymous said...

congrats guys! with the busyness of coming back to the states for our visit, I've fallen behind on blogs and missed this.

also, happy anniversary!