(another one from a little while back)

I fear getting back into the Word, prayer time, study time, etc….why? Because I fear what my Father may show me and ask of me. I look for anything and everything to take up my time…some good, some not. There is a battle taking place between my two selves. One wanting to go back and be with my Father, to serve Him, to worship Him. The other is grabbing my other self and saying, “Don’t you remember what happened last time? The pain and hurt you felt, what you put your wife and children through...” And it screams at me “Don’t you remember?!” And I do and I walk away and sit with myself. I remind myself of what happened and how I got there. How I followed God, did whatever He asked of me. And look where it has gotten me. I gave up everything and now….. Well, we are just getting by. Life is back where we started and for what? Went through hell on earth to get back here? That doesn’t make any sense.
Oh I know what some would/will say. I can think of several verses to “encourage” me. But really that just falls flat. I guess apathy breeds apathy. I go around, watch and talk to people. This world is going to hell and people don’t give a damn. I believe we are fast approaching the end and it is going to get A LOT worse before we get there and yet everyone is just walking around in a fog, pretending everything is fine and going to get better. Got news for ya…it’s not. We have seen the best days and they are history. There is one day that I do look forward to, one day in the future when everything gets better.
This is one of my favorite songs from Misty Edwards, who helps lead worship at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, Missouri:

I can hear the rhythm of the lion of the tribe of Judah
He’s doing a new thing, so we’re singing a new song
He’s not a baby in a manger anymore
He’s not a broken man on the cross
He didn’t stay in the grave
And He’s not staying in heaven forever
He’s alive, He’s alive, He’s alive,
People get ready! Jesus is coming!
People walking round with their fingers in their ears saying
“La--‐du--‐du--‐du--‐du, I don’t want to hear the sound of the coming King”
Once again I’m going to shake everything that can be shaken
Once again I’m going to break everything that can be broken
Album: ‘onething’

There is a book by Ted Dekker, “Slumber of Christianity” that Kelly is reading. Talks about this-we’re all so content to get our riches here on earth and live for the now instead of with an eye on heaven and how much better it is going to be. How this is such a small taste of glory. But you know, we (Kelly and I) have a little bit of a hard time relating I guess. I can’t wait for Eternity. I am not jumping up and down thinking about it all the time, but yes-I would rather be there than here, right now! This earth is incomparable to Heaven. We are to enjoy it here, but remember it’s not the end, it’s barely the beginning of the taste and sights and smells and LOVE and GLORY we will one day behold.