"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Observation one: wives want their husbands to be the leader/head of the home/family.
Observation two: No, they really don’t.

Let me explain what I have seen and what I have experienced in my own marriage. Let’s see if you see yourself or your spouse in anything I say.

Scenario #1: Wife says she wants her husband to be the head of the family/the spiritual leader. Well, that is what she says to her girlfriends in the church as they sit around and complain about their husband’s spiritual inefficiencies. But if you watch, they are not about to allow their husbands to lead. Why? He may not do what she wants and if he challenges her she will not hesitate to emasculate him (def: weaken somebody or something; to deprive somebody or something of effectiveness, spirit, or force). So he stands behind her and when asked a question he waits for her to respond. There is a good chance that sex is used as a tool to control him. It has to be used early on but once he is thoroughly emasculated it does not need to be used any more.
Scenario #2: Again, the wife wants her husband to lead. She uses sex in a different way, she does not give any. This almost always back fires. It causes the husband to withdraw from the relationship. They live together but separate lives. If he would admit it, he questions at times whether she loves him, if he just exists to work and pay the bills. He begins to seek enjoyment in other ways because he is not finding it at home. Here many men (not all) turn to porn to find sexual satisfaction, they retreat into a life of fantasy to escape.

How do I know these things? It is because I have lived both of these scenarios to some degree. And in both of these scenarios neither spouse will ever truly be happy. Why? Because it is not the way God created marriage to be. I know there are a lot of wives out there that will say “but my husband is….” God does not say “well, since your husband is like …. You get a pass on what I have commanded”. It does not work like that.
What changed for us? My wife. I wanted to (lead) but it always felt like I was fighting an uphill battle and it just became easier to not fight. It was not until my wife decided that she needed to change to allow me to change that anything happened. And it took time; it was not an overnight conversion. It was a process. At first I was not sure if it was genuine and I was not willing to risk it. It was scary and at times still can be, to be the leader/head but once I realized that my wife was there right by my side supporting me, being that Help Meet that God created for me, it became a lot easier. Knowing she was there not to criticize me or degrade me for making a mistake but truly supporting me, even when she disagreed with my decision. That was the confidence building I needed-what all men need.

My question to you wives out there: Do you really want what God has designed for your marriage or are you content with what you have?


Brian and Kelly Jo Kallevig said...

Since not everyone has Facebook or is my friend :-) I will add what has been put there...to see if any discussion will get going.

You really don't like having friends, huh?
So what you're saying is that the wife is the one that needs to change.--Al

Brian and Kelly Jo Kallevig said...

Well, I like having friends! I'm glad our writing is different enough that you can tell who wrote it! :-)

That being said--both of us will write what the Lord lays on our hearts. It's never directed at any one person or situation (usually-...there are exceptions that would be obvious). So if you read something and it makes you go Hmmm or get angry or whatever...i think that means you need to spend some of your own time with the Lord to see what, if anything, it's about for you. If the Lord doesn't speak to you about it specifically, then it's probably not for you, right now. But you are the one who loses out if you just get upset and dismiss it right off-maybe the Lord does have something for you.

So who needs to change? I think it's obvious that it is both-it's something you both need to work out and allow-there's just different changing for each person. His scenario suggestions could be viewed as the extremes-there are plenty of other subtle ways it plays out. As we've talked about before-it's a struggle for both, I think more so for the wife. In a sense it's a real loss of control, and that is hard to give up!

Anonymous said...

If you were a strong leader in your family this would never have been an issue so when did you see the light and change or have you or has she LET you?

Brian and Kelly Jo Kallevig said...

Thank you for your comment.

First off, since I (Kelly) am writing this, yes-I had to let him lead.
Second, believe me, no matter how strong a leader he tried to be in the beginning-it would NOT have flown with me. It just wouldn't, and I can say and see that looking back. I was always praying for him to be a strong leader, but then I had to be willing to LET him-give up my control. Yes, he know he was suppose to, but for the sake of our marriage, he did not push it. This is where most women have their struggle-it's what they want...until it actually starts happening.
I'm sorry, but I think you are living in La-la land if you think that just because a man is a "strong leader" than he would never have an issue like this with his wife. It's part of the process of setting up "house" together early in the marriage-the establishment of roles and piecing your lives together. If not handled early, it will come up later and more often than not, it's easier to say "see ya later" when you've lived with the unsettling for so long.
(That is, if you are talking about the issue of being head of the household, which I can't really tell from you comment. Are you referring to that issue, or the sex issue, or what?)

I'd love to have a good back and forth-you read and know my story, I'd be interested in yours. Are you a man, woman, married? What has been your experience, those of your friends' you've watched take shape?

Brian and Kelly Jo Kallevig said...

This is from Brian--
My first impression when I read your comment: I sensed I struck a chord, I felt like I was a surrogate for your husband. Like you were saying that if my husband was “this” I wouldn’t have to be “this”.
You asked if she had to let me. And part of the answer is yes she did. You see I am blessed with a very strong, focused wife. She is not someone you walk on. She felt like that if I wasn’t going to do it (her way) she had to and I felt like I could never do it well enough so I didn’t. And the “light” I saw? Well, God got a hold of me and set me free from some of the things I had enslaved myself to, began showing me how HE sees me. That I AM HIS SON! And HE loves me no matter what and that HE created me. When I allowed HIM, HE began showing me all the lies that satan had sold me. Here is a little known secret: most men feel insecure/inadequate. Why? Look around. Where in this culture is being a MAN praised? It is not. Men are ridiculed, maligned, and are not considered a necessity. I look at my boys and am concerned for their future. I want to teach them what it means to be a man, a husband, a father. That means being a provider, a protector, and a leader.
My wife makes me feel like there is nothing I can’t do. She gives me confidence where I have none. She allows me to make mistakes and does not save them to use against me in the future. She is my help meet.
There is a saying I have heard, “the man is the head but the wife is the neck that turns the head”. There is a lot of truth in that.
You want your husband to be the man God called him to be…..than be the wife and mother that God has called you to be.