"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Texting with a friend awhile back. I said something about blogging and he suggested I write something about the lonely times God takes us through. Well, not a month or so before, I had. I hadn’t posted it yet. It’s personal and hard and makes me question. But it’s part of the journey God has placed us on. And really, it doesn’t even barely hit the surface of some of the lonely times we go through…

I have not written much for a while. Guess I just have not had anything to say or care to say I suppose. Been struggling as of late and the thing is I am not sure why. There is this restlessness in my soul and it feels at times like a war is raging. And I wonder, why? I know I have not been feeling the best as of late and I am not sleeping well. My thoughts and dreams often haunt me. I am a child of the KING and yet I feel so dirty, some homeless guy sleeping in the gutter. Why? Maybe it is because I feel useless to my King, that I have nothing to offer. Maybe it is just the winter depression setting in. I have always struggled in the winter with depression. That is one thing I loved about Africa, the sun light. Pretty much year round the sun came up and went down the same time every day. I know part is the fact a very good friend of mine is moving away and it bothers me. I know how things go. You say in touch at first then life gets busy and the times you talk get less and less and before you know it it’s been a 6 months, a year, maybe more. It is just the way it goes. I know that and I don’t like it; it sucks. But such is life and you move on.
Another thing that has been bothering me is we know someone who is going back to Africa. Someone I thought never would and yet he is doing all his planning and seems to be all optimistic. It is as though he has forgotten most of what happened over there. Maybe that is a good thing, I don’t know. I got to wonder though. And we have missionary friends over there asking us when we are coming back. And the answer is: I don’t know if we ever will. Life has become about hoping I get enough work to pay the bills. And when I don’t have any paying work it is looking for busy work just to keep me occupied. I long for an awakening within my heart and soul. Something to set a fire within me. I am tired of feeling tired.

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