Third Culture Kids

So I (KJ) really should have written this as I was reading, or right after I read “Third Culture Kids” by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken. But I suppose it’s good that now I have to go back and skim it again to write about it, but then again, I don’t really want to so much anymore…anyway, enough whining.

“A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationships to others of similar background.”

Now, reading that definition I would have never thought I was a TCK. I have always lived in the US. But the definition of a TCK has grown to include “in-country TCKs” too. Military kids or families who move often for work have also become included. Reading the descriptions and seeing glimpses of me in this book leads me to say I am a TCK too. Why? At age 9 we moved from a very small/rural/farming community of 1800 or so, to a city of 8000. Big difference. Still quite a few farmers and still rural, but definitely a different mindset even in this “small” of a jump in population. I also had a foot in two different cultures as I grew up-the secular/modern world, and a concentrated Christian bible camp environment that I moved in and out of for days, weeks or months at a time as I worked at and attended the bible camp for 10 years. I also made choices that led me to live two fairly different lives.
Looking back at the definition, it accounts for a significant part (which I consider I did) in developmental years (happened from age 9 to 17-that was when I actually moved to Bible College in a metro area-a whole other culture there!). I was able to develop relationships in all the “cultures”, but yes, didn’t feel like I totally belonged in any of them (I just figured it was because I was never one of the “cool kids”). Something from each culture is part of who I am.
Having read this book, I can’t say that I have all these wonderful ideas now on what to do or not do for our kids. There were hints and other useful information of course, a lot of it some common sense things. I think the biggest benefit for me was just reading it and seeing myself, and understanding a little about why I do the things I do, and why I am the way I am-normalizing my experiences.
Here’s an example-those who know me say I am highly organized. A learned and necessary part of moving back and forth often, and feeling unsettled when in a place for too long. I go through things just to do it, even though I can’t actually move. I don’t keep much, never have. They were just more things to move. We have lived in this house for 9 years in September. That matches the longest I ever lived in one place (birth to 9 years old). At 9 we moved and lived in that city for 9 years, but during that time I moved to camp for weeks or months in the summers and trips during the school year. Then it was off to college, married life had us in 3 places in 2 years before we moved here. So every once in a while I get antsy to go somewhere!
A plus-I am very adaptable, I have a sense of living life now. Challenge-I have a hard time feeling excited about things-going out and being asked did I have a good time? Sometimes I really don’t know-it was just a time, it was fine.
I am able to be friends with many, but only have a few “super close” friends. And when I decide who I want to invest that time in to be close with, I zoom in, am easily vulnerable, and bring it to a deep and personal and valued relationship very quickly. I am sure if any of you went to bible camp as a child, you remember you only had a week or two to make friends. You had to do it fast. That’s what I do, and if the relationship isn’t one that will be a close intimate one, I don’t put as much effort into it as I should. I seem to have lots of acquaintances, a handful of close friends, but not much “in-betweeners”.
I feel very comfortable around people older than me. It took me a long time to identify my self-was I like the people at school, was a strong Christian like those at camp, could I be a little of both? Guess which one I tried to be? Didn’t work out too well! I still struggle today with feeling like I fit in with people-I still need to be affirmed in my group.
I think I have unresolved grief somewhere inside-I can’t tell you what it is-it’s an unconscious thing. But it can hit at a moment’s notice, sometimes about the silliest or most insignificant things, sometimes just a thought of something. It could be a number of things: loss of status, relationships, role models, a system identity, the past that wasn’t, a past that was. I am not very good at allowing myself the permission to grieve (I keep shoving it in-I am a blubbering crier as it is, what would happen if I let it all out?). Due to the jumping back and forth and timing, there wasn’t a whole lot of time to grieve. Leave camp and say goodbye in one day, start school the next. I can cry when I think someone is thinking of crying-I can cry at commercials, I can cry at strangers saying goodbyes.
Okay, so I am suppose to be writing what I learned from this book, not pouring my soul out here. As I said, a lot of the information was common sense. Making sure your children still feel valued, protected, special, comforted. That their perception of the work we are doing is positive, that there are spiritual and moral values we are following and trying to teach them. There was a whole section on the actual transition and culture shock of course.
Looks like this book was more for me than the kids.