LESSONS FROM THE ROAD

For those of you who aren’t my friends on Facebook, I just signed up for my first ever 5k run.  I don’t remember if I wrote about it last summer or not, but I was planning on doing one last year with the two oldest girls for school.  Well, starting off running 3 weeks after giving birth and running everyday was.not.a.good.idea.  I ended up on my back for over a week and have had some pain every day since.

Regardless, my body has wanted me to run, it’s like a walk isn’t fast enough.  I go ever other day and up to about 2.75 miles in 33 min or so.  Yeah me!  Oh, and that thud?  Probably ever teammate and coach I have had hitting the ground in a heart attack.  Me, the fat girl who couldn’t even run maybe a quarter mile without needing to walk…

Anyway, today just after 1.3 miles or so, I got a stitch in my side; and it grew and it grew and I was beginning to doubt if I could even get to back into town without walking.  So I prayed about, asked for healing, rebuked it even :) !  And then I started confessing some sin that came to mind.  I didn’t notice the pain so much, but it was still there, and even more, I made it the full 2.75 miles.

What lessons did I learn?  Well, I was reminded once again that my sin has consequences.  Sure, there is forgiveness, we can restore relationships, but there are still hurts that will linger; we can’t forget the pain we received/caused.  

And my sin caused pain.  Jesus suffered way more than a little stitch in His side for me, for my sin.  

And when the day is going down the tubes, when I don’t know if I can make it until bedtime, God is STILL with me.  He reminded me HE NEVER LEFT, even through all the pain, the hard times, the hurts.  He has not left my side.  I just need to call out to Him, ask Him for help.  Will He make everything go away?  Probably not, but He will walk with me through it; help me get to the finish line.

NEW

Up to this point, I (we)  have not really written too much about our adoption struggles.  Scratch that.  I have a few times; I just have not posted them.  I actually have an anonymous- you won’t be able to find it unless I tell you-blog that I started. But even there I have only written a time or two. Two reasons: FEAR and RESTRAINT.

Restraint, because I know myself well enough to know that I often dump out all my thoughts in writing and some of it just shouldn’t be read by anyone but me.  So, sometimes it is better not to write anything at all, or post if I am not sure the line is very clear.  And I don’t know if I have been in the right place for it anyway.

FEAR, because well, I am human.  And I don’t have too many friends as it is :), and I have my own self-worth to work through.  This blog is read by family, friends, people at church; who exactly I don’t know, but people that I see.  I read and get support from other bloggers and facebook friends-that is like a whole other community.  And I don’t know if my two communities are really ready to collide.  I fear a collision that results in less friends of physical contact; more (perceived) looks/judgment from people around me, with more online friendship emphasis.  Which is okay I guess too, but let’s face it-I still have to “face” people in my physical community.  

At the same time, I know how I have been helped HUGELY by the testimony of so many other “trauma mamas.” Because of that, among LOTS.AND.LOTS.OF.THERAPY I am nowhere near where I was a year ago.

A year ago, I vividly remember crying at a dear friend’s table as she told me that sometimes disruption is okay.  I can’t remember the exact reasons she was giving, it doesn’t matter that much.  But I was just sitting there and bawling and trying to figure out anyway to ever make it okay.  I knew of course that it wasn’t (in our situation, for the reasons I had).  Maybe God just used it as the real wake-up call I needed to get US the help WE needed to keep going forward. 

And over a year later now, things have changed.  Are they still super hard?  OH.YEAH. We are in the midst of a two month or so regression that is sucking the life out of me.  But I am handling it much better, the behaviors aren’t as bad or as long, and it just doesn’t feel so overwhelming.all.the.time.  But yeah, it still sucks.

So, I may start writing some more about our struggles.  There is a growing adoption community in our area.  And the one thing many of us have never talked about (out loud) before are the hard things, the things no one wants to tell you because they don’t want to sway you out of adoption.  Or they are afraid because it will look like they aren’t good enough, or should never have adopted anyway because they aren’t qualified.  Or (my favorite) if God was really in it, it wouldn’t be so hard for you. Or because they are so lonely they don’t even know who to tell.  How do I know?  Because I have been there, I sometimes am still there.  

I may only be one little, tiny, baby step ahead of where someone else is right now.  But I don’t think I am supposed to keep that to myself either.  Honesty, putting it all out there is what we have always done on this blog; adoption may be the next step in our walk of faith that we are suppose to share.

ETAAM: Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting

 

Christmas in August Auction! Fundraiser

A chance for moms to refresh, rejuvenate, connect...feel they are not alone!

I am SUPER.DEE.DOOPER excited to be going this March! If you have any items you'd like to donate for the auction, let me know...I can ship them with mine if you are local.

Thanks!

DESIRES

Today while making supper a thought struck me.  I ruminated on it a bit on my walk and a blog post happened…

I was just thinking how very often God DOES give us our heart’s desires.  He knows they are not maybe His final plans for us, but He gives it anyway in order to teach and prepare us.

I know I need to better explain that, and I will, but I want to be careful so I don’t have to deal with the comments about Africa being whatever based on anyone else’s whatever.  Africa was a part of God’s plan for us and I will.not.ever.doubt that.

There were things going on just fine in our lives 5-6 years ago.  God was working in our hearts and minds, especially Brian’s and things were happening and busy and sailing along.  But in some ways, we were stuck, caught in a rut of day-to-day-that’s-about-it-living.  Nothing wrong, but nothing too super either.  We were tied to the dairy farm and there weren’t many options outside of that, not that we were looking either.

So I strongly believe it was God who caused the stirring of restlessness in us, both at the same time, for the same thing.  

Long story short, we were in the process of preparing, moving to, living, and then moving back from our time in Zambia.

God gave us our desire to go and do “something else”.  He used it to train, prepare, cause reliance upon Him, show His faithfulness, His provision, to teach us what we needed to know so that He could have us back here doing what He wanted us to do and be okay with that-content with that. 

I personally am feeling a peace and contentment I haven’t felt for a long time.  (I know some of it is things being worked out in therapy with J as well.)  Sure, we are feeling the pinch of space in our house and yard, and there are some concerns and desires out there, but for the most part I really am feeling okay with where we are “at” right now.  

I also know I wouldn’t be feeling this way if we hadn’t gone and did what we did.  Brian wouldn’t be doing what he is doing now (well, none of us would), we wouldn’t be living as we are now.  So many things would be different.  Yet, there are a large portion of things that are the same as they were, way back when.

I think God allowed us to follow our desires, be able to use them for His Glory, and at the same time use them to teach us to be content with where ever He will have and use us.

Memory

(more from before...)

While talking with J’s therapist one day I mentioned a specific pain I was having at specific times (got that :) ??)  She asked me if I had ever had any post partum depression or anything medically “happen” during any of the kids’ births.  I of course said no, I couldn’t think of anything.

Later I mentioned it to Brian while we were eating and he said, yeah you had PPD bad after a few of the girls.  I laughed.  Yeah right-me?  I sure couldn’t remember anything!  I kept laughing as he reassured me I did.  He then spoke of times when I would be in bed crying when he came home.  My laughter soon turned to tears as I asked why I couldn’t remember any of that.  In the next second I did-not specifics, but I did remember a time of crying and saying I just couldn’t do it all and he was holding me, comforting me and telling me it was alright.

From what I understood from the therapist, our bodies/mind hold a lot of memories; but it has its own built in safeguards so that we don’t remember more than we can handle.  (Sorry, that doesn’t sound very scientific and I don’t have all the facts swimming in my head to pull out.  I am very left brained, analytical, logical and all that-but I haven’t had the head for it lately.)

Not to make that sound weirdo, but I can see it.  I have the mommy guilt/super mommy thing going full on.  I am often complemented and affirmed for being able to be so organized, handle so many kids, etc.  Sure, I will admit that I can do those things.  But it soon became that if I couldn’t, something must be wrong with me.  Or the kids-they have some big problem.  I don’t remember ever thinking that of course, but it was a nasty root that took hold.

Well, along comes the “year of therapy” with J—occupational, speech, play therapy for him and counseling for me to deal with it all as well.  I wrote about my “mommy issues” back in December some, really processed through some things and healed a bit.  Then, when the time was right, I was able to handle this memory-admit, see, really feel through what was going on back then instead of just disassociating from it.  I know I wasn’t ready before!

And by the way, I haven’t had that specific pain to speak of since.

(we have some new posts in the works, but nothing finished yet.  found some things that we started quite a long time ago that I'm gonna work on throwing up.  we'll see where they go...)


AMY CARMICHEAL

In an irony that I won’t discuss, the kids and I are back where we were 5 years ago, starting our cycle of home school curriculum.  Each year we read missionary stories, that year was our first time.  It is interesting the things I pick up on this time around. 

This year one of them was Amy Carmichael, you know, the failed Japanese missionary.  Oh?  You didn’t know she “failed” in Japan before going to India?  She couldn’t handle it (physically).  Guess you’ll have to read her story sometime.  (We used “Amy Carmichael: Rescuer of Precious Gems” by Janet & Geoff Benge from YWAM Publishing.)

During her time in India, Amy Carmichael did a lot of writing.  One of her manuscripts, “Things As They Are” was just that-a book on the way things were in India where she was ministering.  She had sent this manuscript off to the Keswick committee in England for publishing.  She received it back with a nice note thanking her, but suggesting a few small changes.  It seemed a tad bit too depressing for them-maybe it needed a lighter touch, more happy stories.  Amy was confronted with the desire of Christians for “happy missionary, happy ending” stories.  Hmm, seems familiar.  Eventually, two women who had come to see Amy’s work firsthand took the manuscript back and made sure it was published.

It just struck me that still, all these years later, we still (only) want the happy endings.  We don’t want to know how hard missionary work is, especially in heavily un-Christian lands.   We don’t want to know if it doesn’t seem like we are “winning.”  Why is that?  Are we stuck trying to convince ourselves that “with Jesus all things are possible?”  Well, maybe they are-but it doesn’t mean they are all that pretty or easy or rose-colored.  There is a hard-fought spiritual war going on-not just for the people of the land, but also for each missionary’s mind and soul.  Wouldn’t you want to know how hard things are so you might pray earnestly?

Sure, there is balance as you don't want to overly discourage either.  But sometimes a missionary just needs you to know how "things (really) are".  I just read a blog from a gal we went to missionary training with years ago.  Yeah-she laid out how hard things were for her, how it was going through those hard times, and yes-how she is coming out on the other end. 

I guess I may just be different.  I enjoy hearing how God has used a process, a trial, an uncomfortableness to grow someone.  It really gives me hope I guess, knowing my own struggles.

I was gonna write something else about this, but I guess it fits in here.  Many of you have perhaps heard how Steve Saint with I-TEC down in Florida had an accident and was/is paralyzed.  I have not heard the latest.  I did watch a short video where he boldly proclaimed his faith and even challenged (everyone) to step out in faith where ever God may be calling them.  Great testimony.  I am not taking away from that at all, I just had a few thoughts, and this is just a media to share where we all bring in our own perceptions, so any disrespect is definitely unintended. Recently a young man I knew from bible school went home to be with the Lord.  And before he died, he lamented, alot.  And my impression from his blog is that some well-meaning Christian friends encouraged him not to (at least publicly?).  That's just what I read into it, I may be wrong.

Anyway, I guess where I am going is a comparison.  Which of course isn't a comparison because you are looking at two very different things (death/paralyzation, younger man/older man).   And I guess it is not comparison really.  I don't know what it is.  Anyway, someone made the comment that I wish my faith would have been that strong (in regards to Steve's video).  

My first thought is I hope that is really how Steve is feeling, that this isn't to help make other people feel better.  But then look at his life and all he went through, yeah-what else could it be but genuine?  You would expect that kind of a response from him based on the way he has lived his life.

And then I think of Jer and how he lamented and how that was really okay to.  "pardon any unintended disrespect for shiny happy responses to my pain, but if i may be so honest: this really stinks, and it’s much appreciated when you agree."

So somewhere in the midst of whatever you are going through-both sides are okay, acceptable, even sanctified.  God knows your heart.  Be real with Him, be honest.  Be free to share you pain with others.  A mustard seed of faith-that's all you need.  And God is there, looking at your heart, feeling your pain and struggles, wanting and waiting to comfort you.  I consider Jeremy and Steve great men of faith.  And you know what, I consider my husband a great man of faith too.  It has not been easy these past few years.  His wound was so.so.so.deep.  And He was angry and disappointed with God, and he let Him know it.  But there was still that mustard seed of faith that wouldn't let him completely walk away.  And God was waiting, waiting to catch him, and he has a deeper and fuller understanding of God's love than he ever has before.

another who's who...

Looking for some pics for my parent's wedding anniversary party at the end of July...having lots of fun and laughs at the old pics.

So here we go again:  which kid is this??