Memory

(more from before...)

While talking with J’s therapist one day I mentioned a specific pain I was having at specific times (got that :) ??)  She asked me if I had ever had any post partum depression or anything medically “happen” during any of the kids’ births.  I of course said no, I couldn’t think of anything.

Later I mentioned it to Brian while we were eating and he said, yeah you had PPD bad after a few of the girls.  I laughed.  Yeah right-me?  I sure couldn’t remember anything!  I kept laughing as he reassured me I did.  He then spoke of times when I would be in bed crying when he came home.  My laughter soon turned to tears as I asked why I couldn’t remember any of that.  In the next second I did-not specifics, but I did remember a time of crying and saying I just couldn’t do it all and he was holding me, comforting me and telling me it was alright.

From what I understood from the therapist, our bodies/mind hold a lot of memories; but it has its own built in safeguards so that we don’t remember more than we can handle.  (Sorry, that doesn’t sound very scientific and I don’t have all the facts swimming in my head to pull out.  I am very left brained, analytical, logical and all that-but I haven’t had the head for it lately.)

Not to make that sound weirdo, but I can see it.  I have the mommy guilt/super mommy thing going full on.  I am often complemented and affirmed for being able to be so organized, handle so many kids, etc.  Sure, I will admit that I can do those things.  But it soon became that if I couldn’t, something must be wrong with me.  Or the kids-they have some big problem.  I don’t remember ever thinking that of course, but it was a nasty root that took hold.

Well, along comes the “year of therapy” with J—occupational, speech, play therapy for him and counseling for me to deal with it all as well.  I wrote about my “mommy issues” back in December some, really processed through some things and healed a bit.  Then, when the time was right, I was able to handle this memory-admit, see, really feel through what was going on back then instead of just disassociating from it.  I know I wasn’t ready before!

And by the way, I haven’t had that specific pain to speak of since.