NEW

Up to this point, I (we)  have not really written too much about our adoption struggles.  Scratch that.  I have a few times; I just have not posted them.  I actually have an anonymous- you won’t be able to find it unless I tell you-blog that I started. But even there I have only written a time or two. Two reasons: FEAR and RESTRAINT.

Restraint, because I know myself well enough to know that I often dump out all my thoughts in writing and some of it just shouldn’t be read by anyone but me.  So, sometimes it is better not to write anything at all, or post if I am not sure the line is very clear.  And I don’t know if I have been in the right place for it anyway.

FEAR, because well, I am human.  And I don’t have too many friends as it is :), and I have my own self-worth to work through.  This blog is read by family, friends, people at church; who exactly I don’t know, but people that I see.  I read and get support from other bloggers and facebook friends-that is like a whole other community.  And I don’t know if my two communities are really ready to collide.  I fear a collision that results in less friends of physical contact; more (perceived) looks/judgment from people around me, with more online friendship emphasis.  Which is okay I guess too, but let’s face it-I still have to “face” people in my physical community.  

At the same time, I know how I have been helped HUGELY by the testimony of so many other “trauma mamas.” Because of that, among LOTS.AND.LOTS.OF.THERAPY I am nowhere near where I was a year ago.

A year ago, I vividly remember crying at a dear friend’s table as she told me that sometimes disruption is okay.  I can’t remember the exact reasons she was giving, it doesn’t matter that much.  But I was just sitting there and bawling and trying to figure out anyway to ever make it okay.  I knew of course that it wasn’t (in our situation, for the reasons I had).  Maybe God just used it as the real wake-up call I needed to get US the help WE needed to keep going forward. 

And over a year later now, things have changed.  Are they still super hard?  OH.YEAH. We are in the midst of a two month or so regression that is sucking the life out of me.  But I am handling it much better, the behaviors aren’t as bad or as long, and it just doesn’t feel so overwhelming.all.the.time.  But yeah, it still sucks.

So, I may start writing some more about our struggles.  There is a growing adoption community in our area.  And the one thing many of us have never talked about (out loud) before are the hard things, the things no one wants to tell you because they don’t want to sway you out of adoption.  Or they are afraid because it will look like they aren’t good enough, or should never have adopted anyway because they aren’t qualified.  Or (my favorite) if God was really in it, it wouldn’t be so hard for you. Or because they are so lonely they don’t even know who to tell.  How do I know?  Because I have been there, I sometimes am still there.  

I may only be one little, tiny, baby step ahead of where someone else is right now.  But I don’t think I am supposed to keep that to myself either.  Honesty, putting it all out there is what we have always done on this blog; adoption may be the next step in our walk of faith that we are suppose to share.