"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Friday, March 11, 2011

The question was, “what did you do here and what is your take on coming back?” Hmm.

(now before anyone (moms) gets their nightie in a knot, we’re not talking about doing anything, so relax. Really. This is all part of our processing)

We’ve been back in the States for about a year and a half now. We’re back where we started from in many ways. How does that feel? I don’t know, whatever I guess, just different. People are different, relationships are different, life is…it is what it is and we live in it now.
As soon as we got back to the States I was already looking to go back, with who, how, etc. We found some great fits-just weren’t led down those roads. Why would we even want to go back? I don’t know-loved the lifestyle, loved the people, loved seeing God have to work in ways bigger than us. It was stressful, but exciting and enjoyable too. I suppose I didn’t realize how badly hurt Brian was at the time because he hid it fairly well when he needed to and I was focusing on me and the kids too. At some point, maybe 4-5 months back, it became important for me to know if we would ever do it again. Not because we had some big opportunity, but just because I needed to feel we were open to God doing whatever He wanted with us again. I really felt like I was in that place, but I found out Brian wasn’t there yet. And that’s okay. But yes, it is very hard when you and your spouse are at different places, especially in areas of faith and consequently for us, areas of hurts.
I guess at some point, I just accepted that we never would go out quite so far on a limb again in that way. At least not in this decade, or maybe a few more to come. And it saddened me, but it was where we were/are as a family.
And then this question came. What does it mean? Why now, again? No idea, but of course I let my imagination go for a bit. What if? I love working through the logistics in my mind of it, I just enjoy that. But really, I don’t think that is the main reason why I would still jump on the next plane. Because before that could happen anyway, there is that dreaded period of time where you put yourself out there for others to judge you, reject you, or accept you and what God’s call is for you at this time. And in no way, shape or form would I choose to go through that again for myself, by my own choice just ‘cuz I wanted to. I would have to KNOW it was God calling. I think what I think about-get excited about-more than anything is the prospect of seeing God do something REALLY. BIG. again. I want to see God show up in all the ways He did before. I want to feel used by God again. I know, I know-He uses me every day in my family and that is an important ministry too. I suppose maybe I am not content in seeing God in the little day to day stuff anymore and I know I should be. Maybe there was pride before, “look at all God is doing for/with/through us.” Or maybe that is the lie of the enemy too. I don’t know. I feel I am having a hard time being content with life here, because things are so different than before we left, and then they are so different from being over there. Life just seems to be in and out, the mundane. I guess maybe I just haven’t been able to see what “now” is for the way I have in the past. Makes me wish all the more for Jesus to come back and set up His kingdom on earth!

So what is the answer to the question? Maybe it’s not about going back at all, maybe it is, I have no idea. Maybe it’s just about what the answer could be- the asking again to evaluate where we are now that we are a little further removed than the last time.

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