"This life therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal, but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed." --Martin Luther

Friday, July 2, 2010

Processing through a loss is always difficult. And doing it with young children is always…interesting.
I don’t know where she got these terms, but when someone brings a meal G asks if people are coming over to pay their respects, or will other people come? I am not sure how to explain to her that that really doesn’t happen when you lose a baby before it’s born. Or really even if it dies soon after birth. Why doesn’t it? She also keeps asking when the burial is going to be (we’ll probably do it sometime this weekend).
H just asked why do babies have to die. I don’t know honey-sometimes it just happens. The other morning a friend came over to cut hair and her kids came to play. We knew the kids were going to talk to other people about what happened, but weren’t sure how to help them do that-help them know what to say or not. Most of the time we don’t have to worry about I guess-they just do! H said she just told her friend that her mom was going to have a baby but it died. Her little friend (the same age) said she had two brothers in heaven too. Pretty cool for our 7 yr old to have someone who knows what she does. In a way it’s all so matter of fact for them. I know she is still sad though.
Mya told me he didn’t like it when babies die. He likes it when they are born. Me too buddy.
Thank you for all the prayers, thoughts, and encouraging words. You are a comfort. Yes, I am still crying and the girls still cry with me some. C and M were able to see the baby after it was born. C just glanced-she really didn’t know if she wanted to look, M said it was really tiny. She just had one of her friends ask how I was doing, so she also got to tell to someone, she did a good job; I’m not sure if she had a tough time doing it our not.
It was very definitely a boy though, hence the name Michael. Well, actually we didn’t have a name at first. I knew I wanted to name him, it would help us all in the grieving process, but wasn’t sure what. In case you haven’t figured it out, we are of the mind that if the Lord blesses, He blesses; if not, He doesn’t-we don’t try real hard to have or not have a baby. Anyway, I have a few names that I want to save just in case we ever do have another one. For some reason Michael came to me. Brian was also praying what to name him because he didn’t know either. I asked M what she thought, but neither of us liked the name she came up with. I said no, something more like Michael. Brian said what?! That was the name he had gotten-this baby boy was definitely named by God! I looked up the meaning, and Michael means “who is like God?” Indeed. “Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ? Who is like you—majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?” Exodus 15:11
When we lost our other two babies, we were not doing this blog and didn’t have much of an outlet for sharing our grief. The sad truth is that most people don’t share their grief when they have a miscarriage or a stillbirth or a baby who dies shortly after birth. I don’t know why, well-I guess I can think of plenty of “politically-correct” reasons. But they are crap. I have seen my three children, all less than 15 weeks, and they were BABIES-they were little people already. And now they wait to be held by their momma and daddy, waiting to play with their brothers and sisters some day in heaven.
So thanks again for all your kind words, your prayers, your tears with us. In a way, there really is nothing to “talk about”, but it’s comforting just to be able to tell our story, and hopeful it/we can be a comfort or encouragement to someone else somewhere along the way who may be going through the same thing.

1 comment:

AJ said...

Hi Kelly...you and I have shared many experiences. I'm sorry you are going through this (and I see in your blog I should say "again"). It really is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced a miscarriage, but I realized that if I just "said" the word, women and men came out of the woodwork to talk about their experience. It is an experience that needs to be talked about...and so much healing comes through the words themselves. I held on to the promise of "joy will come in the morning" and cried it through whenever the tears came. Surprisingly, the last time tears came was during the reproductive health "chat" in my 4th grade classroom about 4 years ago (probably 10 years after the miscarriage). Thankfully I wasn't giving the class...and my principal was very understanding...I just had to leave my girls in the library and have a good cry...

praying for you