I'M LEARNING

I (Brian) have been trying to get back into the swing of things, whatever that is now days. I’m not all that sure. What I’m beginning to learn (and what Kelly is trying to help me with) is how to make up and keep schedules. You may think, what’s the big deal about that? For myself I have always had a schedule laid out for me. The cows made the schedule, I knew every morning and every night 7 days a week where I was going to be and what I was going to be doing for the most part. At first not having that was soooo nice and freeing. But lately it has become more uncomfortable. I’ve been able to already look back on our training at MTI and recognize some of the things I’m feeling, seeing, and experiencing and in turn deal with, combat and work through. That is actually encouraging. One thing to deal with in the grief and loss category is my loss of identity. What do I mean? I was born and raised on a dairy farm. I took over the dairy aspect on the farm some 16 years ago. I milked cows, pretty much day in day out for most of that time. That’s gone, done. My identity is/was that I was a dairy farmer. I’m not any more. That loss has been harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought it would be such a relief not to have to work 7 days a week (and it has been), to be able to actually be able to go on a family vacation (which we did, we went to Ashland, Wisconsin for a weekend). To be able to be a part of family functions and not have to hurry up to get to the barn or get out of the barn. But I also took comfort in knowing where I was going to be and at times the cows came in handy as a legitimate excuse to get out of things. Now instead of the physical labor I make phone calls, send e-mails (which I just learned how to do this last year), sit down and talk to people (which I do really enjoy). I guess one of the ways I’ve been coping is by building large cedar bird feeders. It does help to do something with my hands and to accomplish something by finishing these feeders. We have begun to hit support raising hard now, and frankly it is difficult for me. I’ve never been one to ask for help (even when I should have). So this support raising goes against everything inside me. I prayed (wrestled, argued with God) about maybe there’s another way, something simpler, maybe less uncomfortable for me. God was clear, I (Brian) am NOT to do this on my own, it is not about me. I honestly need to learn a very important lesson on humility. An area God has shown me I need to work on is the area of pride and humility (I need less of one and more of the other). A fact I need to remember is people are not giving to me-they are giving to God (it is really all His anyway) for HIS work (not mine). I believe God will bless those that are obedient to His prompting in joining us. Does that mean everyone we talk to/send a letter to is supposed to support us? NO. I would hope they would take the time to ask God if they should or should not support us, and if they do, that they would give cheerfully, not grudgingly or out of a sense of obligation.