Silence and Solitude

Thursday was silence and solitude. We had an assignment to go out for 30 minutes and write a letter to God. About what I (Brian) am not sure, don’t remember the specifics-I think it was on our integrity in resting in Him. I didn't really follow the directions. For one, I decided to go outside for a walk. I just started talking to my Father. I shared with Him some of my struggles. A word kept coming to mind and it was the word, hypocrite (OUCH!). I asked God to search my heart to reveal my sin in my life. Guess what? He did! The first thing I had to ask forgiveness for was not worshipping Him with unabandoned worship like I can do when I’m alone; for holding myself back from Him out of fear. Also for opening up my mouth when it should have remained shut (because of pride). And finally for being quiet when He has called me to speak (because of fear).
These were the three areas of sin I needed to deal with. That got me a ways down the path. At this point I decided to go take a little less traveled path up towards these rock formations. As I was walking I prayed, "Father, I desire the people here, especially Kelly, Cybil, and Mariah, to experience you in an amazing, supernatural, real way. I desire it for them because I desire it for myself."
After this, I sensed the Spirit lead me to go up-climb up this rock formations. So I made my own path for a ways and got to the base of the rocks and then started up. IT WAS AMAZING! Working my way up and through these huge boulders. I then came up into this huge cavern. I was pretty much protected on all sides. I just sat there in silence. As I sat, the warm sun shone through right on my face. I could feel no wind, just the warm sun. The passage about being in the cleft of the rock came to mind. There is shelter in the cleft of the rock from the storms of life. But God reminded me that it is not permanent and you will need to go back into the storm/life, and there will be times I will call you into the storm. But, no matter what I will always be here. I am your shelter from/in the storm.
From there I knew I needed to go up, and up I went. I went to the top of the rocks. Unbelievable was the view. I sat up there on top, not too far from the edge and just looked around in awe. Something we have been learning, implementing, is to recognize our own feelings and reactions to things, situations, comments, how doe we see, feel, react; so that’s what I did.
My heart was pounding, partly from the climb and partly from sitting next to a 50 foot drop. I felt fear, anxiety, yet excitement, adrenaline. I wanted to go closer to the edge. I wouldn’t let myself go any closer (which in this case was probably smart). What God revealed to me was this was often the way my relationship is with Him. I want to be close to Him but I’m afraid. And rightfully so because it is dangerous and it is not for the faint of heart.
As I sat there I clearly felt, heard, sensed God begin to tell something. I grabbed my note pad and began to write. Then my hand started shaking and the tears began to fall. My Father clearly said:
“Brian, you are going to experience fear, anxiety, passion, hurt, joy, mercy, grace, love, heartache, trials, and ME like you never have before!”
I just sat there shaking and crying. I lay back on the rock and looked up; there in the clouds directly above me was cross, as plain as day. I actually just started laughing in my tears. I just said, God you are so cool! I sat up and asked, now what? “Let go-waste time”-that was part of our assignment, “waste time with God”. So I got up and started exploring my Father’s creation with Him. I can’t even begin to tell you how much fun I had. It was awesome! I felt like a little kid running in the woods just being amazed at what God created for me. He created this world for me/us to enjoy, to worship Him in it. That’s what I did Thursday and it won’t be the last time. There was no pressure up on those rocks to get anything done. We as our Father’s children don’t waste enough time with Him (it is never a waste of time!). I heard it put another way, “holy loitering”-to go and spend time with Him with NO AGENDA. No time limit. How rare is that? VERY! I would say. How important is it? VERY! I would say. It was an amazing day. One I will not soon forget! Praise Father!
Soon I just felt it was time to come down. I don’t know how I knew; I just knew it was time to come down. I didn’t know where I would come out of the brush, but there I was, right at the trail’s head. I came down and in the room, just at the time Kelly was supposed to go out for the next assignment. The class was supposed to go out and mediate on Matthew 11:28-30, taken from the Message:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. 29 Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 30 Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Our instructor made the point of saying you are all used to your NIVs, NAS, KJV, NKJV, etc. and then I throw this totally modern way of looking at it. Mediate on it and see what God has to say.
I (Kelly) thought a lot about the things I get tired of. I thought how I don’t know if I really know how to get away, how to walk. How am I supposed to watch God? What does it look like to keep company with God? I just pondered for a while. A bit later I was just trying to look around and enjoy since our time was not done yet. Off in the far distance, I see a bird soaring in the clouds. Not flapping, just soaring, gliding, circling. Not trying to accomplish anything, yet getting somewhere. God again pierced my heart and told me to cease striving-quit flapping-quit struggling. Just soar with me, enjoy the heights, enjoy not going anywhere in a hurry. The bird got where it needed to go, but it circled and took its time. You all know me so well-not something I am good at! I remembered the lessons learned from the past, yet my practice wasn’t as good as my head knowledge. God had to tell me again.