FAITH LOST/FAITH FOUND? PART 1

(most of this was written awhile back, part 2 is coming)

That’s me, I feel as I have lost my “faith” in many ways. I still believe-but now that’s something deeper. It is probably safe to say that most believers don’t/won’t understand what I am talking about. It is hard to explain but I will try. For many (I know, not all-but exam yourself), faith is about church or denomination or that feeling they get on a Sunday morning during “worship”. That’s not me. I could care less about denominations; it’s about what you believe. And church, I go not for me but for my wife and kids. Personally I would rather be working than standing around talking to people about nothing. And there are some you just don’t want to talk to. I am at a place where all the “Hi, how you doing?” pleasantries turn my stomach. Fact is, most don’t care. Once I’d like to say “pretty s!@#$y, how are you?” and see how many actually stop and catch it, or if they just keep walking, smile and say “that’s good”.
In a lot of ways I am not sure if I have really lost my faith, or I have just finally really found it. In Crazy Love, Francis Chan says, “…the American church is a difficult place to fit in if you want to live out New Testament Christianity.” This statement is so true, especially after being back to Zambia again. In our culture and in our churches we worship the god of materialism. We have become so confused about what are needs and what are wants, most everything has become a need. America (including our churches) is a land of idol worshipers. If you disagree with me let me ask you: do you see joy, pure joy in this country in our churches? Answer is NO. Why? Because I would dare say we are not truly worshiping GOD- we are worshiping our stuff. It might be our vehicles, homes, toys, even our church buildings, etc., you can fill in the blank. Look around. We are angry, bitter, tired, disrespectful, and so on. And that is just in our churches. It is because we have lost/forgot/maybe have not known our first love. The One who pursues you with a violent passion, a love that cannot be quenched. One who never gives up on you even when you have given up on yourself.

WELL, I'M BACK (in more ways than one)

What can I tell you about my return to Zambia?  It was an amazing trip.  It was a healing trip.  And it was a hard trip.  God had a lot planned for this trip and likewise, so did satan.  The spiritual war that took place during this trip was intense.  And it was not directed at any one person but at each and every one of us and our families back in the states.  There were 2 separate groups on this trip.  One was made up of young adults 17-32 and most were single (we were with them the last portion of the trip).  My group consisted of a Detroit cop, who also was on SWAT. There was a guy who was retired prison official; he worked with the criminally insane.  There was one female, an older gal with a young heart and who is a massage therapist.  Then there was me.  I was referred to as the redneck from Minnesota that had more guns then all the other guys combined.   Our team was unique.  The director of Africa’s Child was there, he has been in law enforcement and been a pastor and his sister (who lives there and oversees the guest house, cooks for the teams and does a lot of other things).  She is a gal that has the most infectious laugh.  The thing that stood out about these two is they love the Zambian people and the Zambians love them.  They have worked very hard to build relationships with the people not based on giving them stuff but on investing themselves in their lives.  I have seen NGOs and mission organizations become welfare to the African people just as the same many in this country have become dependent on the gov’t here for welfare, always looking for what you are going to give them next, always wanting more.  God has given a huge vision for Africa’s Child, a vision that only God can accomplish.  What they do right now is what they call medical advocacy.   They have partnered with some orphanages to help them in treating illnesses and diseases such as HIV/AIDS, TB, measles, malaria, and whatever else arises.  It is a hard job because the fact is a lot of babies/children die do to the lack of medical services.  They do what they can and sometimes the only thing you can do is love them right into the arms of Jesus.  We spent several afternoons at an orphanage that was run by the Church of Christ.  They had over 70 kids under the age of 4.  One house/building was just babies, another was the toddlers and the 3rd was the special needs.  They were the kids with HIV, TB and other special needs such as downs syndrome and cerebral palsy.  I spent most of my time is this house just loving on these kids.  Some might wonder why?  Thing is, I felt a connection there because I saw myself.  When I was born I had a double cleft palate, I was a special needs baby.  Really no different than these kids except I was born in a country with the medical help I needed. 

In the mornings after we had breakfast we would head over to guest house for morning devotions and then head out to one of the compounds.  They are just different areas of town.  The way to best describe the one we went to a couple of times is to say it is comparable to a slum/ghetto in the states; it is the poor of the poor in town.  The difference is I always felt safe; the people were friendly and the people were filled with joy.  We would just walk around and play with the kids and visit with the adults and pray.  I really enjoyed it, walking through there.  We went through that same compound at night and it becomes something else.  It is when the demons come out to play.   The place becomes very dark and evil.   We went in to see and pray for the women caught in prostitution, women who are only trying to feed their children.  It was difficult to see some of the children of these women just sitting outside their homes/room while mom was inside with someone.  Before you judge these women let me ask you: how far would you go to feed your children, get them medicine when they are sick?  Would you sell yourself into slavery to save the life of your child?  Thing is they don’t realize that when you sell yourself to satan he takes your children as well. 

In the evenings after supper we would debrief about the day.  What we saw, felt, what perceptions that we held previously that turned out not to be true.  The debriefing time was for everyone to process together and share what they felt God was doing.  The morning devos and the nightly debriefing were always a time where there was an equal mixture of laughter and tears.  God did some amazing things during these times together of being completely open and honest with each other and with HIM.  It didn’t take long to see that God had put this group together and satan was going to do whatever he could to disrupt it.  God wanted me on this trip for many different reasons.  The biggest one for me was HE was going to make my heart whole and new again. I just had to give up running and let HIM. 

Brian was busy doing some work around the house before he left. He replaced the floor at the front entry (he put in a new door too, so is working on putting up new trim).

He put a new floor in the bathroom upstairs.

He also put new floor at the back entry and steps.

One of the two bigger transformations was the big girls' room. I wish I had before pictures! He put up sheet rock on the one wall, laid new carpet, painted...

and added the closet space. This room looks so different it's just amazing!

The other major room was our downstairs bathroom/furnace room. Here he put cedar on the one wall, put in a new floor, put in a new toilet, repainted, put a new door to the girls' room and a new door to the living room. We also got new fixtures for towels, toilet paper, etc. Again, total difference in look and feel!

I am SOOOOOOOO SUPER-DUPER blessed to have a handyman for a husband! A jack of all trades! GREAT JOB BRIAN!!!
(so P.S.---he's available for hire!)

(disclaimer for my wife’s sake :-) I am not one who minces words, nor looks to be politically correct in my ramblings, though she tries to make me! I am just sharing what and where I am at based on my personal convictions and experiences, many outside of this culture. I know that not everyone will see things the way I do-Kelly and I don’t even see eye to eye on a lot of things! As with anything and everything you read here, take and leave what you want, ask questions to clarify and even comment if you disagree! Discuss it with me, discuss with others if you want {it’s best if you have both read it for yourself before you do}.)

Someone told me recently that I need to be more a part of the “body.” I asked did he mean--the body of believers, or the body of the church down the street? And if it is the latter, what does that mean? I have an idea: you teach a Sunday school class (or maybe you just go to one), maybe you stand up when they want you to and sing when you’re supposed to. If that is the case then maybe I am not a part of the body. I do not teach or attend a Sunday school class and rarely do I stand to sing. That is not out of disrespect-I just need to limit distractions-so I sit and look down so I can focus and think. During the Sunday school hour I talk to others about what is going on in their lives; maybe there are marriage issues, maybe personal struggles, just might only be about handgun recommendations for someone. Do I look to be a part of the “church building body?” No. Am I ok with that that? Yes. Because it is not about them (the people watching me), it is about me and my God. The question may be: can others accept that? Interesting and ironic that not more than three weeks later our interim pastor preached on legalism in the church. He shared about not having to do A, B, or C in this or that way to earn salvation or be a “good” Christian. It’s not about the spiritual disciplines that may work for some.

So what does it mean to you to be a part of the body? What “body” are you trying (harder) to be a part of?

What do you think??? Mama says NAY, but daddy says YAY!

holding back ones heart

Kelly recently brought home one of her women’s bible studies from church for me to watch. I must say it was very good. It was on David, “Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed”. There were many parts that just seemed to speak directly to where I am right now.
One of the areas is “being offended with God,” meaning being hurt by God. And after being hurt, you are now standing there in front of God but you are holding your heart behind you because you are afraid to give it back to Him after being hurt. That has been/is me. I have been holding back my heart from God. When I gave my heart over to Him before, I gave it completely, without question and maybe rather naively. With the faith of a child some might say. And I feel like I got burned. I feel that I have been running away from God for a while now and gone so far away from Him. But He has reminded me that I am not nearly as far away as I think I am; in fact He is right around the corner waiting for me. It is comforting and worrisome at the same time. God has not written me off and there have been times I wish He would, but HE won’t. Part of me wants to give back my heart but I don’t like to do anything half way-it is an all or nothing kind of thing with me. But this time around I am not naive about what it could mean and it causes me to stop and question.
I used to so love to pray, to go to the prayer meetings and just sit and fellowship with my Father. I look in the mirror and ask “what happened to that guy?” the one who used to be so passionate. Where did he go? Is he even in there anymore? I think he is but he is hiding, afraid to put himself out there again. So I look for ways to avoid/escape God. In so many ways I feel I have reverted way-way back, but this is worse because I have seen the other side and I miss it. I know I have a loving Father and everything He does He does for His reasons and glory. Maybe if I knew the whys I could begin to understand but I am not sure that would make it any easier to do what I need to do.

HAVE YOU EVER REGRETTED SAYING YES TO GOD?

Sad to say more times than not I do. I have said yes to God in some sizable ways and it turned into a living nightmare. At the time saying yes and starting out on that journey was like walking through green pastures by still waters; but before you knew it, you where in the valley of the shadow of death and all you wanted to do was get out and then you finally do and you wind up in the dessert. At first you’re not sure if you like the dessert because it is hot and dry and boring. But it doesn’t take long to realize that it is better than the valley.
I was talking to someone a few weeks back. He had a BIG THING happen to him before he went on the mission field. We were talking about where we are in life now. He said to me, that if he could, he would change it. Even if he knew all the good things that were going to happen because of it, he still would have chosen not to have that BIG THING happen. Because right now, it is really hard to see those good things.
Yes there are times I regret saying YES because I remember what it cost me. And I wonder where would I be and my family be if I had not said YES. What good did it really do by saying YES? Because what I see is the pain that several still live with because of that decision. I often ask GOD…WHY? But I don’t get any answer. That is probably more me than HIM because I don’t know if I really want the answer.