What do you think??? Mama says NAY, but daddy says YAY!

holding back ones heart

Kelly recently brought home one of her women’s bible studies from church for me to watch. I must say it was very good. It was on David, “Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed”. There were many parts that just seemed to speak directly to where I am right now.
One of the areas is “being offended with God,” meaning being hurt by God. And after being hurt, you are now standing there in front of God but you are holding your heart behind you because you are afraid to give it back to Him after being hurt. That has been/is me. I have been holding back my heart from God. When I gave my heart over to Him before, I gave it completely, without question and maybe rather naively. With the faith of a child some might say. And I feel like I got burned. I feel that I have been running away from God for a while now and gone so far away from Him. But He has reminded me that I am not nearly as far away as I think I am; in fact He is right around the corner waiting for me. It is comforting and worrisome at the same time. God has not written me off and there have been times I wish He would, but HE won’t. Part of me wants to give back my heart but I don’t like to do anything half way-it is an all or nothing kind of thing with me. But this time around I am not naive about what it could mean and it causes me to stop and question.
I used to so love to pray, to go to the prayer meetings and just sit and fellowship with my Father. I look in the mirror and ask “what happened to that guy?” the one who used to be so passionate. Where did he go? Is he even in there anymore? I think he is but he is hiding, afraid to put himself out there again. So I look for ways to avoid/escape God. In so many ways I feel I have reverted way-way back, but this is worse because I have seen the other side and I miss it. I know I have a loving Father and everything He does He does for His reasons and glory. Maybe if I knew the whys I could begin to understand but I am not sure that would make it any easier to do what I need to do.

HAVE YOU EVER REGRETTED SAYING YES TO GOD?

Sad to say more times than not I do. I have said yes to God in some sizable ways and it turned into a living nightmare. At the time saying yes and starting out on that journey was like walking through green pastures by still waters; but before you knew it, you where in the valley of the shadow of death and all you wanted to do was get out and then you finally do and you wind up in the dessert. At first you’re not sure if you like the dessert because it is hot and dry and boring. But it doesn’t take long to realize that it is better than the valley.
I was talking to someone a few weeks back. He had a BIG THING happen to him before he went on the mission field. We were talking about where we are in life now. He said to me, that if he could, he would change it. Even if he knew all the good things that were going to happen because of it, he still would have chosen not to have that BIG THING happen. Because right now, it is really hard to see those good things.
Yes there are times I regret saying YES because I remember what it cost me. And I wonder where would I be and my family be if I had not said YES. What good did it really do by saying YES? Because what I see is the pain that several still live with because of that decision. I often ask GOD…WHY? But I don’t get any answer. That is probably more me than HIM because I don’t know if I really want the answer.

I couldn't resist-what a process!

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Leaving for Zambia

There are so many emotions going on in me right now, it is hard to think clearly. There is fear, apprehension, excitement, joy, sorrow, pain …. Why, because the day that I left….well those scars have not healed completely. It does not take much to make them bleed. I believe God orchestrated this trip (it was not something I asked for) for me so that I may heal. The memories this trip has brought back, most good but some….well if they are in my dreams I don’t go back to sleep. This trip has opened a door that I shut and thought I locked (dead and buried) but I have realized, God has a different plan. One in which I deal with all my repressed emotions so I am able to completely move on and be used by HIM again.
You may be wondering how this trip come about if I was not looking for it. Only one way….GOD
I was contacted by someone I did not know(really). A missionary in Zambia, which I think that we have had a few text and emails with, but that was about it. He contacted me out of the blue and wanted to know why we left and what our thoughts where about coming back. I told him why we left and thought we would never go back and that spiritually I was not in a good place (I was in burnout). I didn’t hear anything from him for some time (I should say that this was not the only person that contacted us, there have been several. Some that where very persistent, until I told them it was not going to happen. Some didn’t seem to care how I was or anything they just wanted someone NOW. So could I have gone back? Yes. I chose not to. Why? Because when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t know who I was looking at and I am still not completely sure, but it is getting clearer). Then out of the blue this guy emails me again. He wants me to come on a trip and see what they are doing because they are looking to grow and expand the mission. Why me? Because what I wanted to do before over there (agriculture, specifically Farming God’s Way) is what they want to do in their ministry. He knew I understood the culture since I lived there and I would have a good handle on what might work. I still was not sure but Kel felt like I needed to do this (for me). You see when I got on that plane the last time, I believed (even told myself) that I will never see this land again. And I loved Zambia. The way we left tore my heart to pieces and I thought it would never completely heal, but nothing is impossible for GOD. I am learning, what man destroys GOD can make new. But it takes time (I’m talking about my heart).

Sometimes you got to wonder, am I crazy or is everyone else losing their minds? I watch and listen to the discussions taking place in the "Christian" circles and wonder what in the hell is going on. Pun intended. Everything I have been taught, everything I believe is being questioned by "Christians". Is hell real? And I ask, "Are you really asking that question?" You are a pastor, gone to seminary and you don't know. If you don't know or don't think hell is a real place let me ask you: is God just, is HE righteous? Or is HE only love? If HE is only love than HE is a fool or worse because HE sent HIS SON to die for my sin and yours. Than HE is neither righteous nor just if HE is only love and all people "eventually" get to heaven. If all people eventually get to heaven than what is the point of evangelism? The gospels are pointless. The bible is a joke. But I know that not to be true. There is a hell and a heaven. I believe this doctrine that is being preached is a doctrine of demons (But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, 1 Timothy 4:1) meant to mislead people from the truth. And that is that there is a judgment day. People don't want to hear that, they want to live their life the way they want now without eternal consequences. The Bible does not teach that. The thing about Satan is he knows scripture and will use a little bit of truth (God is love) but will leave out the rest to lead people astray. That is why we are to be on guard at all times, not from just the world but from what is within our churches. That is exactly what scripture has told us. The question is are you on guard or are you getting caught up in the emotion and hype and going with the flow? If you are, you are in a dangerous place because you are right where Satan wants you.

“Uh-oh. Brian is writing again” read Kelly’s facebook status the other day. I guess I am. I just wish it wasn’t in the middle of the night when I am supposed to be sleeping! It’s good, at least she thinks so. I am starting to feel a little fire in the soul again (did Someone just breath?). Lots of different posts coming up-some will be completely new as I process and get ready to go to Zambia for a short trip (and some closure perhaps?), some were written over the past year and now edited, some we’ve written together. I am not going to tell you which is which :) ‘cuz it doesn’t really matter anyway. Some will make no sense to you at all; some may shock you; some will resonate in a way that you can’t explain. Just bear with the ramblings of a wounded, weary soul trying to reconcile things, longings, questions… I am just one who is trying to reconcile where I have been with where I am now and questioning what things look like…can you handle my questions and where I am? What I say? (Although, as far as I know I am on no one’s required reading list…haha). Yes, I am asking myself too, can I handle where you are at? God created us, God LOVES us, and we are working out our faith in our own time and own processes, and I guess, some more publically than others. No, I usually don’t think about if what I am going to say will offend you or anyone else. I am NOT a writer; so when I get up in the middle of the night with the same thing going through my head over and over again, and I can sit down and a post just comes up, I know it isn’t so much me. If I have to sit and struggle to come up with anything, I usually don’t; I won’t try that hard. I talked about it once here. Sometimes I just feel as if I am supposed to say something, regardless of the outcome.
About a year after coming back from Zambia, I had a talk with a guy who just said “thanks a lot”. No idea what I did-or which one thing he was referring to anyway! But he specifically brought up this Watchman post. He knew he was supposed to be doing that in his church, and he wasn’t. Because of that post, he finally decided to do it. And guess what? It cost him; cost him a lot-a church family and a job to start with. As painful as that was though, he KNEW that was what he was suppose to do/speak out-he knew he was the watchman, and if he didn’t say what he was suppose to, it was “on me.” I haven’t talked to him lately, but I have complete trust that God is taking care of him and his family right now.
Painful, hard, pointed…whatever words you want to use. Sometimes you just need to say what you need to say and let God take care of the rest.