the TRUE TRUE TRUE story

A commenter, who said they were a supporter, wants to know the TRUE TRUE TRUE story of why we left. Another commented that they still don’t know what went wrong.

We’ve always said we are an open book, ask away and we will tell. So, we will gladly tell you, you just need to ASK us. We’ve always encouraged you to ask, because we know there are many rumors out there. It’s a mid-western curse maybe? We never want to ask the actual people involved; we like to ask someone else we think might know. I (unfortunately) do it myself too often. So we have asked you and told you again and again to ask us, US. And we have had conversations on the phone or through email with many of you, and we have greatly appreciated them.

There are just a few issues for us to consider about how we can tell the truth-publicly at least.

Technically, we were employees of our agency, they were an employer-just like Burger King or anyone else who pays a W-2 wage. So while they have more bounds about what they are allowed to say and not say by employer/employee confidentiality laws, we don’t have quite the same restrictions. In essence, we’ve been told that for them to tell anyone much more than “it just didn’t work out,” it could be interpreted as breaking those laws. Somehow, we aren’t bound quite the same way by those laws (or by any other agreement because we never signed any type of confidentiality agreement or contract of any kind with them).

Any truth we write is OUR truth; what we saw, what we did (or didn’t do), what we kept records of. And with the Internet being what it is, and black and white words read differently by different people, someone could easily take what we say in the wrong way. And we can only present our side, from our perspective. And fact would be intertwined with opinion and could easily be misinterpreted by someone as saying something it doesn’t. And we can’t tell you anything from the side, because we are obviously not them, and second, because after the decision for us to leave was made, we were never given an opportunity to discuss it with anyone from our agency. Communications beyond a few logistical questions were not happening; they were not open to discussing anything. And I will add that to this day, there still has been no attempt made at reconciliation (on either side). From what WE read and saw and felt in all our emails and then subsequent discussions with our church staff, the agency does not feel they did anything needing reconciliation, apologies or discussions. (See, now that is an opinion-we don’t KNOW that as fact (we haven’t asked them), so that’s our own perception).

We said we would respect the Anonymous commenters and we have posted them; but this may be a case where the answer can’t be put on the blog. We respect your questions and have an answer prepared, but we feel we shouldn’t put the full answer on the blog at this time. As one of our supporters, you know that we have always tried to be brutally honest with you; and we would be, just privately. At this point in time, we still feel we need to be discreet and need to give direct answers and examples in private communications (because it’s so easy to get burned). We have hinted to various things and reasons along the way, but those have been indirect/somewhat veiled, so you may not have caught them. And do believe this: we were (and are still) honored and humbled to have been supported by you. We do know there is a responsibility to answer your concerns and questions and we will do so…and we will not feel you have turned on us or think any less of you or anything else if you still don’t agree with how things turned out. Just don’t be afraid to ask!

If you give us your number, we will call you and discuss it with you. Or if you prefer, we will email you and share with you, and answer any more specific questions you may have. Really, WE WANT TO TELL YOU. We just need to figure out how to do it in a Christ-honoring way. We can give you specific examples of all the things that led to our leaving-all the things we were lied to about, all the things we saw that we couldn’t go along with, all the things we also said and did on our part. Perhaps the simplest thing to say is that it became increasing clear to both sides that we no longer had compatible mission philosophies and methods for the project and the way business was conducted, so it became necessary for us to leave (and the truth is: it was not by our choice).

Without being able to go into all those details, I know that doesn’t really tell you the TRUE TRUE TRUE story. We are trying to use “due prudence” and not publicly air all the dirty laundry. Believe me-a major part of me wants so badly to go public with what we saw and what happened, but I know it is not currently the right time. So please, contact us privately at our email calltoobedience@gmail.com. Don’t leave your name if you don’t want, just an email address.

But let me end by saying this: if you think we left because Brian shot a cow, you’re wrong. :-)

Another hard thing-reading notes and remembering encouragements from people along the way who are now completely silent to us. I know, I know. They just don’t know what to say. And I couldn’t tell you what to say either. But all the time Brian in particular spent with you, how you encouraged us, sent us notes and emails (and Facebooks!), and sent over care packages and gifts. And you don’t know the whole (true) story of why we left…so you say nothing. Ouch.
I wonder if this isn’t what it feels like when there is a death in someone’s family-especially a spouse. No one knows what to say; so they don’t say anything. Another lesson I should be learning and putting into practice as I have a few acquaintances in this type of situation.
One guy wrote to us “thank you for living out your faith for all of us to see.” I wonder if he is still thankful for that. Truth is, faith isn’t always, actually rarely is, the mountain top. Are you still happy with your faith when you are (or see others) in the valley of the shadow of death? Do you still want to see my faith then?
Looking back we felt we were making an impact on people’s lives. Some of you told us we were. Do you doubt us now and does that make you doubt any change/impact in your own life? I would hope not. Really, that sounds pretty high and mighty, doesn’t it? But reading the comments you left, I know we had brought about “something” in some of your lives. I just wouldn’t want anything that ended up happening to us affect you. That you would doubt, just because it didn’t work out according to our plan.
I think I am deciding that it is good for me, anyway, to be reading our complete blog. I think I am suppose to be learning to get my focus off of me and think about GOD and what HE has done, is doing, and will be doing. HE is still good, HE is still GOD, and HE is still in control.
Please keep praying for Brian and I. So often it seems we aren’t in the same place on a lot of our healing. Which is often two steps forward, one (or three) steps back anyway. One of us seems to get through something, and then the other is attacked harder. There is still such a spiritual battle going on in us, for us, through us.

So here is what I think about reading our journal so far-at this point on page 55 of 184 in the computer:
-it’s good. I see where we were and want and desire to be back there. But bad as I am discouraged that I am no longer there.
-it’s good we weren’t so cynical then-saw the good in people. Believed a lot though, that maybe we shouldn’t have. So not sure if this is the time, as I battle with taking away the good that was there. For example, we learned (the HARD way) that a lot of people, especially our nationals, will say or do whatever it is they think you want them to. Problem is they do this for most Westerners or others in authority. So they will say one thing to you, then another to someone else, depending on what they can get out of it. So as I read I see how we wrote that this person or this group were so excited for us to be there, for us to share with them, etc. etc. And then I want to take from that. I want to say-they were just saying that. They didn’t really mean it. Truth is, I don’t know if they did. And maybe it’s best if I just believe that they did.
How do I keep clinging to the truths I know (or only feel?) about where we are and how things played out? I look back and read and we were so sure then…but it sometimes feels we were so wrong. How then can we be so sure now? What if we are wrong now? What if we have told ourselves what we need to hear to make ourselves feel better? How do we know what God is saying anymore?

There may be some of you out there who are going to have a “problem” with our writing about our time in Zambia. You think that we need to just get over it, stop obsessing about it, quit dredging up the past, get on with your life… If so, check back in a few weeks, or not at all I guess. Time and time again we have said this is about us and our faith and what we are struggling and processing and transitioning. And this is part of the process. And Zambia is now a part of us. Yes, there will be a lot coming up about our time there (it’s pretty much all written so we will post it one right after the other). Better now than in the month after we left! It’s time for stepping back and evaluating, with at least a little less hurt.

An email from two years ago (on Facebook) showed up the other day. Very weird. I then went to look at it online, but it said it wasn’t available. Hmm…what’s that about? It was an email telling us to enjoy our new time in Zambia and keep writing about it as it will be a “joy” to read through later. Yeah-not so much right now! Anyway, I got to thinking-where (and why) in the world did that just show up? Not a coincidence I am sure. So, I have decided to go back and read our journal-from the very beginning, almost 3 years ago now.
It’s a little tough to do. This time of year is proving tough anyway. For the last three years we have either been planning for Brian to go, or all of us to go to Zambia…and now here we are, and not planning to go anywhere.
Anyway, one thing that really saddens me as I read is seeing the passion we had-for what we were going to do, for God, for…everything. We felt on fire for the Lord and it spilled into all our thoughts and conversations and we were learning and sharing and excited with what we learned and just eating it up. And now, well, now. Nothing much excites me-most things actually annoy me. If someone wants to make a big deal out of anything-I say, fine-let’em; but I am not going to be involved. I just don’t have the time or energy to argue about much anymore. Why would I want to?
We’ve been told (by many former and current missionaries and missionary care workers) it will really take YEARS for us to “get over” what happened to us in Africa. Wow. Thanks. Really not looking forward to that.
As I keep reading, I wonder if I should. Wow-we were definitely the idealistic ones, weren’t we! I don’t know how many of you that started the journey with us are still on it. But wow-we had ideas, we had plans… We were so wrong on so many levels. Many things we were just ignorant of-the way things really worked. Many things we were mislead on-often because of others’ ignorance. Many things we just chose not to believe-because the truth was easier to ignore. Many of the things we said we were going to do, or should do-yeah, that never happened either. So I am still reading, still deciding if this is such a good idea or not.
Man, have we (I) become cynical.
It’s like there is this huge battle saying-man were you wrong! You were so sure this is where God called you and all those confirmations along the way-they didn’t mean anything, they weren’t confirmations. For a second there was the worst one-who needs this God anyway? You were wrong about this…you’re probably wrong about it all. Thankfully that was one thought captured and thrown out right away. But really, I can now see how easy it is for people to fall away from God when they are hurt deeply, especially by others in “ministry”. Never thought about it, understood it. Maybe I see it a bit? Maybe I am still learning things?
Anyway, I read and battle with: if everything worked out so right to get us there, what went so wrong? Do I deduce that we just screwed it all up? That now God has the unenviable job of redeeming our mess? Or do I look and say we got there because God wanted us there, to do what God wanted us to do, and it was just way different than what we ever would have thought?
I am not reading with great joy. I am reading and battling. I am thankful for my gift of faith more and more.

Still no word on selling our house. Our renters sold their home in the Cities so now are looking here. They do have their eye on a place, but it would require quite a bit of work to get livable again, so they will be at our place through the summer at least. We need to either be back in our house by the end of this year or sell it (for tax purposes). We are starting to become more and more resigned to the fact that we don’t think it is going to sell, and we will move back into it in the fall. I am not super excited about moving back, because let’s face it, it feels more and more like we are going back to the way things were before we ever left.
We are even throwing around the idea of building a bigger house, but who knows? We’d still need to sell our house.
I am reading back our blog from the beginning (the reason for that, later). I am just now at the point where we first put our house on the market. We were so sure it would sell right away, because we were so sure of our call to Zambia. I read and was struck (again) by God’s sovereignty. He knew that if we would have sold the house, we would have “invested” ALL of it in our ministry in Zambia because that is how sold out He knew we were-how sold out He wanted us to be. But even then HE knew we would be coming back sooner rather than later, and then what would we have? Instead, HE used that time in Zambia for us to pay off the mortgage so that we now have some income from its rent (admittingly yes, we did have a lot of headaches with it at one point). If we do decide to build, owning it outright also means no double payments during construction and once sold, most if not all, of that house would be paid for too. So we’ll just keep waiting and watching I guess!

I have been really emotionally lately. Ready to cry at the tiniest thought of things. Even my doctor who hasn’t seen me in 1 ½ years recognized that I am just not acting like me. Once I told her my news she said it made sense. And what is my news? Guess…you’ve all been expecting it for some time I’m sure! Yup. I am pregnant!! Baby #8 is due in the middle of December. I don’t remember being this emotional with the other kids, but considering the stress of the last year, I suppose my body is going in hyper drive with the hormones.