"Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer-to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Or do you say, “I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don’t want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my sacrifice. And I want to have certain people watching me and saying, ‘Well done.’” It is one thing to follow God’s way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a ‘doormat’ under other people’s feet..." –Oswald Chambers

Maintaining a proper perspective-how do you do that? The day in and day out of life, the mundane…how do you look past that?
Our perspective wants to tell us we failed at what we set out to do three years ago. Some would agree. We were too focused on the day to day, not the big picture. But someone, somewhere needs to be the “details” guy. Visionaries need administrators or they become out of touch with reality. God is all about the details too. That is why He gives us different gifts, abilities and callings. Our perspective is usually not big enough or maybe even focused on the right thing. We were to be focused on the day to day, because someone had to be, that was our calling. But we didn’t have the perspective to see everything going on around us that wasn’t part of the day to day.
We didn’t have the perspective to see what eternal changes were going and are going to be made for listening and responding to the call we were given, the call that some would tell us we “did not really hear God correctly” (from their perspective).

The BIG perspective-that God has this master plan, and it is the salvation of the lost, and we are just these bit players in the peripheral that He brings in and out uses at the appointed times and in the appointed ways. We should be happy to be used, when we are used, how we are used. So hard-looking for a BIG perspective through a microscope.

I have always been a behind the scenes type of person. My giftings are in service and administration, not being the upfront person. Now, we’ve had the opportunity to be the “face” of certain things (our project, missions in the church, a voice of missionary struggles…). Did I enjoy it? Not sure how to answer it.
In a way, yes. I enjoyed the confidence it brought that we didn’t feel we had before. It strengthened our faith as we were encouraged by fellow believers and how God continually provided, just to name a few.

Now, it seems our “face” time was really just the behind-the-scenes/laying-the-groundwork time yet again. Things that no one else may ever know about and certainly groundwork for many things to come.

So I should be happy, right? At least satisfied to have fulfilled my role? Yet, there is a part of me that still desires the encouragement, the gratitude, okay-at least the acknowledgment that we played a part. Maybe a continued acknowledgment. Yet it was in the past, so why do I still want it?

Pride? To build up my shattered self-confidence? Justification? To ease the pain of being wronged? To prove my reality was just that, reality?

I want the hard and very, very painful part of our time and work to be appreciated. There are times it still feels painful in ways seemingly innumerable. The guinea pig that gave their all (hearts, pocketbooks, belief, trust)…and what happens to them when their time is done? We ask them to take their house apart before they leave (so maybe people will ever forget they were there?)…

{And for the record, as much as it may have “felt good” at the time, we did not do anything to the house. We know that would have been poor stewardship of not only our time and resources, but most certainly those of our supporters}
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Does it ever get hard for you to pretend we weren’t there?

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Humility. I see how hard it is now in a way I haven’t had to before. I see why so many are out there to leave something tangible as their “legacy”, something BIG. And how they can’t stand the thought of someone messing up what their big plans are, even if they are only trying to help.

I was happy being a behind the scenes person before-helping in the kitchen, on the computer, and especially behind Brian. I have always wanted and desired him to have more-more faith, a deeper relationship with Christ, acknowledgment for his hard work…always wanted more for him than myself even.

Did I want it for God though? I gave/give God all the props, because it was ONLY by HIS doing, but maybe there became a part of me that wanted, still wants a part for Brian (and me) too…

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Reputation. It’s about reputation and having to surrender your reputation for God. On the long eight hour drive to Victoria Falls we listened to some recordings by Otto Keating who was a very remote missionary. That was one of the things I clearly remember him talking about and we discussed at length. Our reputation was about obeying the “call to obedience,” and it was on this project. Especially in our own church and family, and even for the project’s supporting family, who really did become our family. And it is not going to be what we were led to believe, and what we led many others to believe. We had our own expectations and desires tagged on to it as well.

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No one can ever compare their own experiences to anyone else’s. So why do we try? Why do we still want justification? Why does it still bother us when we hear the peaches and cream only? How do you forget what the reality behind the scenes is and just be happy that the claim to “all is well” is being rung? How do you forget the questions that are still unanswered? Will it ever stop bothering us that our friends are being misled? Should it still? Continually you just have to give it to God and say it’s not mine anymore. But so, so hard to not snatch it back when you hear something that triggers you back to the reality YOU knew...
Considering our investment, financially and otherwise, do we have a “right”, a “responsibility” to be sure our gifts (our time, our finances, our service) to the Lord (they are never really to any one group or church or other non-profit) are used wisely? Responsibly? Or do we just say it is all God’s in the first place... I’d like to add “and He will use it as He sees fit”, but I don't personally believer that He’s being allowed to, that the stewardship just isn’t there. What is your responsibility in it? Do you have any? Some day we will all have to answer to God, and I know He is gonna be a heckuva lot tougher than I would or could ever be. I want to be sure that I can stand with my conscience clean.

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But God still CAN and WILL accomplish His purposes. Can we ever really stop God from accomplishing what He has for us-the good He has for us? (And believe me-I don’t mean good, like, happy-happy good-good. I mean like, our ETERNAL good) We are being pulled in and out of His BIG will for the salvation of souls across the world, sometimes in this way, sometimes in that. God is WAY BIGGER than any one man (or woman). Who are we to somehow think our mark on the world is more important than anyone else’s? That we need to leave a legacy at all? If it’s all about God’s glory, what good are the big numbers, the big accomplishments to me? Why are you or I keeping track? When it comes to souls, one is just as important to God as 600 or a 1000 or...

“One of the major differences in worldview between rural Africans and westerners is the focus of life. In the west, an emphasis is most often placed on outputs and products. Whereas in Africa, the focus is firmly on process – it is not so much where you end up but how you got there that really matters.”

I took this from a friend’s blog who is now back in Zambia. They served as missionaries there with the International Mission Board some years ago. I met her initially on a Liberian adoption group. When she heard we were going to Zambia she contacted me. She helped answer lots of questions for us and I enjoyed reading her many stories. She also connected us with the TOTALLY AWESOME :-) Rodgers Tribe who went well out of their way to help and encourage us.

Now Blu and Darbi are back in Zambia doing construction on a school and orphanage near Mapanza they have started (this is the same area where they served part of their term I think). They are living in Choma for the next 1 ½ years during building. It’s neat to read some of the day to day stuff she writes, and just remember and wish… This is her blog and this is their orphanage site. They are seeing God do some amazing things when it comes to timing and processes (like only taking a few short months to get all their tax numbers!). Proving once again, that when God is behind it, He WILL make a way! Well that and, it’s not always WHAT you know but WHO you know (and what they THINK of you)!

back home

Things went pretty well when we were gone. There are always things that seem to happen when you’re gone that just don’t happen when your home. Like the water pipe froze up in the pump house, which has not happened all winter. Henry had a tough week; he cut a molar or 2. Cybil and Mariah took turns sleeping with him. Except the one night Henry cried for an hr or 2. Kari (Kelly’s sister) went in to check on them and Henry was lying on top of Cybil screaming and Cybil was sound to sleep. I don’t even know how that is possible but she was. So everyone was a little tired when we returned.
I received a call back on a job I interviewed from over a month ago. But what they are offering is not all that appealing. A lot of hours and responsibility for not all that much pay. I was a tad disappointed when they told me what they were offering. It held no appeal for me and when I told Kelly she felt the same, so I plan to keep looking. I went out to the local ag show to talk to people and get my name out there. I am thinking about putting out a mailer to area farmers that might be looking for help coming up this spring. I still have my part time job that pays well and if I can keep doing that in conjunction with something else, I think we would do fine. Maybe the vacation did help to become a little more focused. I guess we will see where it goes.
In the mean time I keep praying about life, for others and what they are going through, for my family. The kids still at times struggle with things and Kelly still has some things to work through. I have been praying for her a lot. God has given me a very strong desire/an urgency to pray for her for the last couple of months. I don’t completely understand, I just know there are things going on. Some I can see, some I cannot. I know God is at work and it can be hard to watch at times. We often do not talk about the fact that a lot of times when the Spirit is at work it is painful. For the one the Spirit is working on and for the ones that are the closest to the person watching. It is the refiner’s fire purifying, perfecting HIS work

WRITTEN ON THE FLIGHT HOME

Was this a spiritual retreat? No, not in the sense most people would think of a spiritual retreat. I thought it might be a little but I could see that it was not going to be that. Kelly and I had some very good conversations about things (past, present, and future).

The past: it feels like a dream, like it didn’t really happen (Africa). There are still some deep wounds with what happened and I am not as far past some of the hurt as I would like to think I am. I have lost a big part of my ability to trust. I really don’t know how that is going to affect me in the future. It is not that I cannot/won’t trust anyone. It is the people that speak “Christianize” really well that I don’t trust.

The present: God continues to provide and bless us. I sometimes even feel guilty about that, I shouldn’t. It comes from my own pride. Thinking I need/should be the one providing, not God. He continues to remind me that I am His son and a good Father takes care of His kids. Like this vacation- I really wanted some answers and it struck me the second night: God just wanted me to enjoy myself and my wife, no pressures. And I/we did that. I know I feel different, lighter somehow. Even though I think I put on a few pounds! That may all change when we get back, I don’t know. Kelly and I really threw off the worries and responsibilities and took a break from life. And by the end of the week we felt ready to come home.

The Future: the only thing on that front is that I’m going to talk to some people about possibilities. I want to exhaust all possibilities here before I start looking elsewhere, in this country or another.

DAY 2 OF VACATION

As Kelly and I walked on the beach we both felt a surrealness of life. We were both thinking the same thing, that Africa feels like a dream, an old dream. Not a bad dream just a dream.
And now as I sit here on this beach trying to look to the future, what do I see? Mountains in the mist, waves crashing on the sand and rocks. I see beauty and I am in the midst of it, but for what purpose? I am impatient, frustrated with God, desiring progress that I can see. I want Kelly to enjoy this vacation, to relax. We should think about the future but we don’t want to. Because nothing is clear.

(While we were gone the kids messed up the computer and some files so we lost some things we had written. Oh well, it’s only words, but still—it STINKS! There were some good thoughts we had begun developing. Of course before we left I thought, I should do a save to the hard drive…but I didn’t. Shoot!)

This picture is kinda blurry, but is the only one we had done together!
This was our last night in Mexico.

we're back!!

Just a VERY quick note to say WE ARE BACK!! We had a wonderful time. Brian wrote a few posts while we were down there and will look to get them posted soon, but most of the details we just can't publish (wink, wink!).
We at least got to go through our vacation thinking that our renters would move out peaceably while we were gone, but alas, that wasn't so. We are still dealing with a few last minute nasty issues that came up when we moved them out of the house over the weekend. So keep praying for that resolution.
The new renters are in and starting to get settled. We also have a showing on our house this evening (I know! What timing!). They have been really patient as they wanted to look at it last week a few times, but we of course weren't here.
Brian also got some info on a possible second interview for a job. Neither of us is overly impressed by its possibilities, so we have until Thursday to decide if we want to take the next step. Prayers for discernment on that would be great too.
So, anyway, that's it for now!